The Worst TV Theme Songs In History
There's a reason someone coined the word "earworm," and that reason was almost certainly a horrible television theme song. Even good theme songs can be annoying in the way they slowly bore into your skull and graft themselves to your cerebral cortex like a sonic parasite. But the worst is when an absolutely terrible theme song gets stuck in your head for days on end. Here's a look at some musical abominations that should never have been composed.
Friends
It's boggling to think that some people actually like the Friends theme, "I'll Be There for You" by the Rembrandts. In fact, this utterly cloying horror made it all the way up to #17 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart. This song is kind of like cilantro for your ear: some people claim it's good, but the rest of us know it tastes like soap mixed with strychnine. Ugh.
California Dreams
"Surf dudes with attitude. Kinda groovy!" That's how this song starts. Do you want to die yet? I'm pretty sure there's a hotline dedicated solely to people who suddenly and terrifyingly remember that the utterly-90's show California Dreams exists. When they talk about the golden age of television, they are not talking about this.
Joani Loves Chachi
If there's any one theme song that truly deserves the title of worst ever, it very well might be this monstrosity, which is so bad it's funny. Until it just becomes bad again. It's like a scary clown in that way. The decision to have Joani Loves Chachi stars Erin Moran and Scott Baio sing the theme to each other was particularly egregious. It's okay to give up hope after watching this.
Star Trek: Enterprise
The Star Trek theme song from the original series is one of the most iconic in television history. So in order to really differentiate itself, Star Trek: Enterprise decided to go completely the other way with their theme. If you've ever wondered what your office's motivational posters would sound like if sung by a Michael Bolton cover band, you now have your answer.
Eight is Enough
Maybe the biggest sin Eight is Enough committed was paving the way for reality shows about gigantic families who don't use birth control. A close second, though, is this theme song. Any time you start worrying about the state of modern music, queue this up and remember just how bad the late-70's were. We have truly evolved as a species.
Lamb Chop's Play-Along
I'd like to give the theme song to Lamb Chop's Play-Along a break because it's a kiddie show. But I really can't, because I was once a kid and I'm 100 percent sure that I would have hacked Lamb Chop up with a meat cleaver if I had heard this cloying anthem. Turns out, I am not one of those kids who lives by the rule that sad is bad and happy is cool.
Full House
Yes, yes, get out your pitchforks—someone on the internet just maligned your childhood. Again. But before you create a stunningly handsome effigy of me to torch, ask yourself whether your love of the Full House theme song is fueled by anything other than mindless nostalgia. Then listen to it again with fresh ears and re-evaluate everything you ever thought you knew about yourself.
America's Next Top Model
America's Next Top Model host Tyra Banks is one of the "musicians" responsible for this "song," which is essentially just Banks groaning out the phrase "wanna be on top?" over and over again while startled background singers gasp in surprise that this is somehow a thing that exists. It's okay for, you know, five seconds. Once you get past the half-minute mark, though, you're ready for it to end. Just like the show itself.
The L Word
This theme for The L Word by the Bettys actually starts out in pretty promising fashion. But then it makes the cardinal sin of theme songs: it starts directly expositing the content of the show, just in case you're too stupid to figure out that lesbians are people too. And since they are, most of them hate this song.
Jennifer Slept Here
Chances are. if you've ever heard of this obscure early-80's flop, it's because someone else was commenting on how legendarily craptacular the Jennifer Slept Here theme song is. "I just saw the most beautiful ghost in the world," some weirdo enthusiastically croons, "and she slept here!" It's impossible to decide what the creepiest part is, so we'll just choose "all of it."
Walker, Texas Ranger
I'll be the one to finally admit it: those Chuck Norris jokes were boring, especially compared to the funniest Chuck Norris joke of all time: when he recorded his own theme song for Walker, Texas Ranger. I have to admit that Norris does do one thing amazingly well: he blurs the line between making people laugh with him and at him better than anyone else.
Frasier
Finally, there's this complete non=sequitur of a theme song. Like Chuck Norris and Walker, Texas Ranger, the Frasier theme song is sung by the star of the show, Kelsey Grammar. Unlike Walker, though, this one is filled with random nonsense about tossed salad and scrambled eggs. I always feel vaguely dirty after hearing this, but I'm not sure I want to understand why. Thanks, Frasier.