Things In Jurassic World That Make No Sense
Jurassic World is one of the most profitable movies in history, but unfortunately, that doesn't mean that it makes a whole lot of sense. Who cares about a plot when you can watch dinosaurs tearing puny humans to shreds? While there are a lot of things that can go wrong in a zany dinosaur zoo, here are ten things that simply make no sense about Jurassic World.
A Van Down By the River
Chris Pratt's generic hunk character is some kind of dinosaur-whispering zookeeper, so you'd think that using his special skills while working for a billion-dollar luxury resort would result in hefty paycheck. Instead, he lives in a junky trailer somewhere on the edge of the park. Maybe he's more comfortable being in nature or something, but there's no reason he has to live like a crazy hobo to be close to his raptor buddies.
Seriousaurus
Speaking of Chris Pratt, one might think that his inclusion in Jurassic World might provide some warmth or comic relief. Instead, Pratt plays a grumpy dude with limited patience for, well, anything except for riding badass motorcycles with dinosaurs in scenes designed to sell action figures. When a background triceratops has more personality than your lead character, it's time to rewrite the script.
Breaking Bird
Hundreds of flying dinosaurs escape from their bio-dome during one of Jurassic World's explosions, and many of the dinos swarm the resort to kill bystanders. While security officers shoot them down with dino-rifles, there's no way that a handful of people downed all of them. Flying dinosaurs surely escaped the the mainland to terrorize beach-goers, fornicate, and repopulate—but no one seems to care.
Indumbinus Rex
The movie's most terrifying dinosaur, the Indominus rex, is pretty much a hybrid of whatever the scientists found in the dino-fridge. The movie refuses to explain the dino's recipe except to say that it just uses the coolest part of every animal, because jaded park (and movie) audiences would get bored otherwise. If you're going to make the ultimate cool dinosaur, at least splice some pig DNA in there so you can have bacon when you have to put it down.
Divorsaurus
Jurassic World opens up with a subplot about sending the kids to the resort so that their parents can work through a divorce. Tears are shed at least twice early in the movie about this impending split, and it's never mentioned again. Something must have been left on the cutting room floor that might make us give a damn.
The Pod of No Return
When the park goes into lockdown mode after the Indominus rex escapes, a couple of dumb kids choose to not turn their free-roaming pod around and return to safety, setting the movie's events into motion. Any highly-computerized park would definitely have an auto-return function on these space-age vehicles.
More Human Than Human
When the big, scary dino escapes, it does so by convincing its handlers that it's already climbed out the of cage, leaving claw marks around the edge of the enclosure. The immediate conclusion made by the park's employees is that the dino intentionally tricked them because it's become smarter than the humans on staff, and not that, just maybe, it tried to escape and failed. Write a book, you dumb dino, and then we'll talk about who's smarter.
No Goldblum
Jeff Goldblum was reportedly too busy filming another sequel, Independence Day 2 : This Time We're Even More Independenter, to take part in Jurassic World. While Goldblum is great in everything, his scientist character would probably have no place in a movie that ignored science anyhow. Life, uh, finds a way... except if there's a bigger paycheck somewhere else.
Chasing The White Dinosaur
While the Indominus rex could camouflage itself because of some wacky DNA shenanigans, it was described as being white—even though it was often not viewable in its pen. Sure, the dino has no natural predators, but at least give it a shiny neon orange color so your park visitors can see it.
Who Cares About Science?
Jurassic World is making fun of you. It admits that it doesn't give a damn about science when it's more profitable to thrill simpletons with explosions and blood. That's what the park delivers, and that's what the movie delivers. Jurassic World was a movie positioned perfectly to say something about the nature of life on Earth. Instead, it just farted and went back to sleep.