Wal-Mart employees literally killed a shoplifter

Our story involves a man in a Florida Wal-Mart in September 2016. How is this combination going to end well? It was about 3 a.m. when a man entered Wal-Mart and slowly filled his cart up with a little less than $400 worth of movies. Now, no matter what had happened next, we would have found this suspicious. Obviously digital is the way of the future.

Anyway, the man walked around a bit — presumably humming to himself and maybe glancing side to side — before dashing for the exit. Maybe he imagined he was the Flash, maybe he had a severe mental illness, maybe he was just very not very intelligent. Regardless, he didn't make it very far. Three employees grabbed the man and pinned him to the ground. At this point we'd say something like, "Book him, Sarge," or "Oh my god, we're heroes," or "Wait, wait, why is he screaming?" Because he was screaming that he couldn't breathe. But these three fearless Wal-Mart employees didn't move, and the man never moved again. Yeah, the employees killed him. The employees were charged with manslaughter because the world is not always totally awful; but because it mostly is their jobs merely became "under review." So remember that the next time you think of shoplifting in a Wal-Mart. If the employees kill you, Wal-Mart will just give them a slap on the wrist. Which, to be honest, is much nicer than we ever thought Wal-Mart could be to its employees.