Cats that are almost bigger than their owners

Cats are the greatest, both big and small ones. But this time, let's focus on the big fuzzballs. Namely, the biggest, strongest, coolest, fattest cats around, ones that damn near dwarf their owners and are just a couple meals shy of being a mighty lion.

Stewie

Stewie — who you should not google unless you want to see tons of Family Guy gifs — is currently the world's longest cat, at a small bit over four feet long. In case you somehow skipped the video above, click on it right now. Doesn't that look more like a slinky than any living creature? We're pretty sure that's just an eel someone glued some fur to. If Cruella DeVille was real, all you'd need to do would be give her that cat, and she'd never need to kill another animal again — she'd just drape it over her shoulders.

Unfortunately, like so many of our colossal gods — Andre the Giant, Maximinus Thrax, Jim Morrison — he too was taken too soon. Stewie passed away back in 2013, and will be missed. Before he died, this Nevada resident officially set the Guinness World Record for Longest Cat. Oh, his breed? Maine Coon, one of the largest domestic breeds of cats in the world, and a kind of kitty you'll be hearing a lot of in this article.

Pickles, the Rescue Cat (Catasaurus Rex)

Pickles is so big, one name wouldn't cut it. So, he got two — Pickles and Catasaurus Rex. The second was an internet-given nickname when he was put up for adoption on the Massachusetts Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals website. No one knows exactly how he got so big, as his original owners are MIA, although some experts believe that he's part Maine Coon, he's also part mountain, probably.

Despite being roughly the size of a barge, according to his owners, Andrew and Emily, he still acts like a small kitten — which tends to lead to things getting broken quite often. That, along with his unwillingness to get along with other cats, is one of the reasons Andrew and Emily were able to adopt him in the first place. He had previously been shipped off to a home in Canada, but was then returned because the other cats there didn't like him (which is to be expected — no one is kind to their gods).

Leo, the King

Leo, the King. With a name like that, he must be majestic! And that he is. Despite being only about twenty pounds, he still seems a bit larger than other cats — mostly because of his fur. When he was shaved — not even down to the skin — he lost two entire pounds. So, despite no such title existing, we're going to go ahead and call him "World's Hairiest Cat."

Despite being a bit smaller than some of the other cats we're discussing, he's on a journey with Metro Animal Care and Control to lose weight. This is made a bit difficult due to him being a Maine … Coon … Okay, seriously? Another Maine Coon. What's going on?

Samson

Real quick: maybe don't name animals (or people) after a person whose story revolves around falling in love with someone who betrays him and he dies in a bloodbath. Just a thought.

Samson is the biggest cat in New York City. He's a … *sigh* another Maine Coon. Are these things even really cats? We're now convinced that Maine Coons are just very small lions.

According to Samson's owner, he acts more like a dog than a cat, even playing fetch with him (which is impressive even for a dog, given that the pet and his owner live in New York City). Despite weighing a little less than thirty pounds, his owner doesn't want the cat to be called fat, insisting he's just broad and has a great personality. His groomer says he's the "Fabio" of cats — we must've missed the part of Fabio's career where he quit working out and ballooned to an obscene weight with the power of cake.

Scarlett's Magic

Scarlett's Magic was once the world's tallest cat, but don't feel bad for her post-dethroning. That wasn't her only award! She's also the largest living domestic cat — making her the first animal to hold two records at once, making her twice as awesome as we will ever be.

Ms. Magic is a Savannah breed which … again, we feel like there should be different categories for different types of cats. We don't see lions competing with tabbies, do we? Anyway, Scarlett's Magic belongs to a Savannah breeder, who claimed that Savannahs are the smartest cats around. Now, to us, that's like saying these balloons are the heaviest around, but what do we know? Certainly not cats.

Meow and Himmy

Meow, the cat, has perhaps the most onomatopoeic name of any cat. It basically turns him into a Pokemon and, honestly, look at him. We'd say he qualifies, not that the stuffypants at Guinness World Records care. Despite his weighing 35 pounds, Guinness didn't even consider him for a Fattest Cat record! Granted, that's only because Guinness has stopped accepting nominations in that category, because they're worried about pet owners over-feeding their cats. But still.

Granted, even if the Guinness had accepted him as a nominee, it would have been hard to beat Himmy, who weighed almost fifty pounds. Himmy was not only the Guinness Record Holder for biggest cat (back when they gave out that award, but also the award-winner of Silliest Name for a Cat (an award which we made up, right now, while writing this!) Even if Guinness didn't give Meow any love, he sure got some from Anderson Cooper, who paraded him around his TV show, even holding the adorably tubby monster.

Trouble

You know how people say, "Uh-oh, you're in Trouble?" Well, we never thought it meant an actual location, but after looking at this beast, yeah, we think you probably could be in Trouble. That's because Trouble is the world's tallest cat (he dethroned Scarlett's Magic) — if you've been paying attention to this article (and why wouldn't you?), you know is saying something. She's nineteen inches from head to tail, and looks more like a leopard than any not-leopard you've ever seen before. Part of that reason is she's a rare breed of cat who's part-African serval. But despite being larger than a Quiznos party sub, the owner didn't realize her size was extra-awesome until a friend — an owner of another world record cat — said, "Hey, your cat, she's real freakin' big." (We might be paraphrasing a tad.)

If Trouble wasn't terrifying enough, she doesn't eat cat food — she eats straight-up meat. Her favorite is rabbit, but who's to say she won't ever get a hankering for a more … human taste?

Ludo

Ludo isn't just an amazing large domestic house cat; Ludo is the world's biggest domestic house cat, at almost four feet long. According to Ludo's owner, he's the same as any other cat — he loves to lounge around and do nothing. So, good to know that size doesn't change a cat's temperaments.

Oh, and Ludo is yet another Maine Coon. Look, at this point, we think that all big cat competitions should just disqualify Maine Coons from competition. It's obvious that Maine Coons have much more in common with dogs … and horses. And skyscrapers. Surprisingly, Ludo isn't the only Maine Coon cat his owner, Kelsey, has. She also has three others, all super-huge. Of course, none of them are record holders, a point that we're sure Ludo lords over them all the time.

And with that, we're officially done with Maine Coons. Want more? Check out this one. Or this one. Or, ooh, this one. And this one. For giant non-coons, read on!

Ulric (Britain's Fattest Cat)

In Britain, being the fattest cat apparently means possessing "the weight of a three-year old." Yeah, this cat is about thirty pounds, and has maybe the weirdest name of any cat in this article — "Ulric." Yep, he's one letter away from being Ulfric Stormcloak from Skyrim. In fact, we demand his human rename him that. He's a cat, he won't care what you call him. But we will.

Ul(f)ric got to be the fattest cat in the country, according to his owner, by being lazy and stealing food from his "siblings." That makes him sound a bit like the villain in a bad animated film, but he's fat enough that we'll let it slide. Despite attempting to put him on a diet, he's managed to stay super chubby due to, being, in his owners' words, "greedy and lazy." So, a fat cat who's greedy and lazy? Are we sure this is Britain's Fattest Cat and not America's?

Katy, the Russian Fat Cat

Katy the cat is almost exactly like Cathy the human, from the comic strips. She's overweight, lazy, and has absolutely no interest in sex. (She probably also screams "ACK!" a lot, too, especially when hairballing.)

Katy is a 50-pound Russian cat whose owners were hoping that she could get into the fat-cat World Records, but then Guinness grew morals and said no. Of course, fatness isn't exactly what's happening in Katy's case. Despite being able to wolf down a hot dog in seconds, she doesn't actually eat that much. No, the main reason she's so fat is because of the hormones she was given, in order to stop her from mating. While the hormones certainly did their job, they also seemed to make her not want to do much of anything aside from eat and sleep. Which, actually, isn't that different from us. We can respect that in a cat.

Munchkin, the Monster Cat

Munchkin is the best, most ironic name for a fat cat ever. Who came up with that? If it was Alanis Morissette, we apologize for ever giving you crap about not knowing the meaning of ironic.

This cat looks less like an animal, and more like a large plate of meatballs. But, a cat it is! Of course, some people didn't think so. For instance, the Sydney Herald declared that big bowl of love up there a hoax, before its owner was contacted and said, "Nope, that's my big fat cat, here's some more pictures, and also her name is Sassy." While Sassy isn't as good a name as Munchkin, she's still a pretty good cat. Or, rather, was. Sadly, Munchkin passed of heart failure (what else?), weighing around forty pounds when she died. This was a surprise to her owner, as Munchkin only ate diet food for her final eight years! Even when Munchkin was taken to the vet, the doctors could not discover why she weighed so much. But we know — her weight was equal to the happiness we feel upon viewing her. Rest well, fat cat. Rest well.

Logan

First up, we have an X-Men character turned into a living animal, out to fight crime. Or, not. Logan is actually a thirty-pound sentient hairball who does actually boast one super-cool thing about him — aside from, you know, being gigantic and being just an adorable cat. He lives at a hotel. Yeah, like Kevin McCallister in Home Alone 2: At Least It's Not Home Alone 3.

Logan lives at the Best Western Silver Fox Inn, which is somehow not a meet-up spot for older gentlemen to get their mojo running. Despite being normal-sized when his owner got him, Logan ballooned in size partially, as his owner snitched, because he steals food from other cats. No matter what anyone does, Logan refuses to lose any weight, even when he stopped eating for awhile after a feral cat attack. When you're a mewing beanbag chair, you're a mewing beanbag chair all the way, from your first can of tuna to your last dying day.

Guests actually come to the hotel (so his owner claims) just to see him, although isn't that a bit of a journey to see the world's only living pillow?

Prince/ss Chunk

Princess Chunk is a cat who caught the internet's eye by being an adorable lump of lard. He (yes, despite the name, he's actually more of a Prince Chunk) was found roaming the streets of New Jersey — a horrid wasteland upon which none dare tread — before being taken to an animal shelter. There, he soon found a wonderful home, one that even came with a miniature castle for him to rule over.

Now, while he's not the biggest cat on our list (because he's not a blasted Maine Coon), he is noteworthy in another way, in that he's perhaps responsible for inspiring the most good. See, after hearing Chunk's tale of woe, Vince — the adopter's son — created the "Prince Chunk Foundation," a non-profit that helps out families who can't afford food for both themselves and their pets. So while he might not be the fattest, we think that Chunk might very well be the best kittie on this list. That's it, there's no joke, Chunk is just the best. Next!

Elvis

Now, as far as we know, this is not the actual King of Rock 'n Roll transmuted into human form after he grew weary of his bipedal form. Though we don't have any proof that he's not.

Either way, we know Elvis is the king of one thing: being a cute, chubby cat who weighs about as much as a three-year-old human. If that doesn't sound heavy to you, congratulations on never having children, we hope you're enjoying it! For everyone else, we know, right?! Super heavy.

Now, like his namesake near the end of his life, Elvis is a chubmonster who can't move more than a few feet without taking a break, and is in a desperate need of a diet. This adorable super-fluffball even has to take insulin, because he has diabetes because this is a cruel world that does not spare even our most adorable of brethren. But, fear not, for Elvis has lost at least a couple of pounds so far, and his owners — who run an animal charity — are dedicated to keeping him on track, because we already lost one Elvis. We shan't lose another!

Sprinkles

"Sprinkles" is a fine name for a cute cat, and no, she did not get that name from eating only things covered in them (although how awesome would that be?). She's actually a normal cat, just one that's thirty-something pounds! Now, in case you haven't caught on yet, a lot of these overly obese cats aren't in the best of shape. Who knew taking something roughly the size of a throw pillow and making them weigh as much as a bag of bowling balls would be a bad idea?

Sprinkles is, unfortunately, not any different. Another cat under the care of an animal shelter, Sprinkles is in pretty bad shape, and for awhile, even stopped liking cat food. That makes sense, because cat food is not ham. Don't worry though — her owners are dedicated to getting her into shape, and much healthier than her namesake. (Get it? Because sprinkles aren't good for you? In case you didn't know, sprinkles aren't good for you. Unless you mean Sprinkles, in which case she's just great for you. Look at that little purrball.)

Miu

Miu is a bit of an odd case, because he was adopted when he was already old, and then started gaining the weight. Eh, plenty of us don't find our life's calling until the prime of our life has left us behind, too.

Miu is, in fact, in the running to be one of the fattest cats in the entire world. He weighs forty-four pounds but, unlike some of our other cats, seems to be in fine shape. He's still just as playful and charming as ever, just big. Now, we're not sure if this has any connection to him being just the biggest living tub of lard around, but Miu's owner is seventy-five years old — "oldest person with gigantic cat" seems like it should be its own Guinness World Record, doesn't it? She said that Miu has gained two pounds in just one month before but, overall, Miu seems just like the cute cat she was when her owner first got her. That's adorable! But, uh, not to be rude here, but are we sure she actually remembers that far back?

Meatball

A cat named Meatball? That's amazing! If we could, we would dedicate an entire book to this amazing cat and whatever genius named him Meatball.

Now, we know what you're thinking, but there is unfortunately no evidence tying this amazing cat to the cat of the same name from the Adam Sandler and Jack Nicholson "comedy," Anger Management. But that's okay, because this is still one cool kitty. One of the best parts about this chubster is how, despite weighing over forty pounds, he's still active and loves to exercise. He's basically just your ordinary kitten, except if you dragged the corners out.

He's being taken care of at the Companion Pet Clinic in Arizona, where he's being helped to exercise and eat diet food (which, understandably, took him awhile to get used to). While we're all for cats getting healthier, this does raise one issue: Will they rename him once he's skinny? You can't call a stick of a thing "Meatball." Maybe Hot Dog? Kebab? Veggie Burger?

Garfield

You're kidding, right? There's actually a giant cat named Garfield? Does he live with a dog named Odie and an owner named Jon? Does he really hate Mondays but really like lasagna? Has he not been funny in about 20 years?

No, but Garfield is one of the biggest cats around, weighing in around forty pounds, which is approximately eight properly-made lasagnas. He was taken in by an animal shelter after his owner passed away. He was having some trouble finding a new home, as he was roughly the size of a barge, and the shelter was determined he not stay that way. Thankfully, they found an owner who would keep him on a strict diet, which we're pretty sure isn't just lasagna? But not entirely positive.

As with many cats who are about the size of everything in your fridge poured into a bucket, he's having health issues and doesn't move around a lot and wait … Is that why cartoon Garfield is so "lazy?" Is he really just sick? Oh god, that makes those comics super-dark. Does that make Mondays a metaphor for unavoidable approaching death then?

See, twisted revelations like this are why we need as many cute cat videos as possible. You're welcome.