The untold truth of Giorgio A. Tsoukalos

You recognize the man, even if you don't recognize the name. Here, let's refresh your memory — ALIENS?

Yep, that's Giorgio Tsoukalos. Ever since he (and his … interesting hair) appeared on Ancient Aliens — the show that presupposes that almost all our ancient tech was created outside our atmosphere — Tsoukalos has become an internet meme, highly used to suggest that something seemingly normal was actually aliens. You know the meme, you love the meme, but how much do you actually know about the man behind it? Well aside from his name, and aside from how he just looks absolutely ridiculous, here's some stuff we're betting you didn't know.

He had an actual alien encounter

Ready to get your socks blown off? Alright, the man who goes on TV to rant about how ancient aliens built everything from the pyramid to our DNA? He actually had an alien encounter! Maybe! Here's what he says happened: in the desert near the Joshua Tree, he and twenty-six other people saw stars moving in odd ways. Shortly thereafter, the group concluded that the two stars were actually UFOs, and totally not an effect of staring into the darkness in the hopes of seeing a UFO.

Of course, not seeing a UFO doesn't mean anything, because Tsoukalos has actually proposed that part of the reason we haven't found aliens yet is because … they can make themselves invisible. Except to a bunch of bored people outside hanging around a tree, apparently.

He loves Sci-Fi

Odds are, if you attempt to picture the type of geek who already has next year's Comic Con ticket, knows the name of every Enterprise captain, and likes to argue with girls online about nerd minutiae, you're probably picturing someone like Tsoukalos. You'd be right on the money too, because he's absolutely a sci-fi nerd.

Wouldn't you think that someone who believes in actual aliens would be a little critical of things like X-Files and Star Wars? Sure, we enjoy them, but don't those shows posit that aliens are blood-thirsty creatures whose encounters with humans always end badly (or in a swamp doing push-ups, which is the same thing because what's worse than doing push-ups?). However, despite how he believes in real ones, Giorgio absolutely adores all of the fake science fiction shows, though how much of his joy is derived from laughingly shouting, "that's not what Zetta Ricculians look like at all!" is unclear.

He attends history con events

Yes, the man who made his fame from the History Channel actually likes history, and even attends history conventions! This is doubly amazing, because the History Channel is less about history, and more about Swamp People, Ice Road Truckers, and whatever the hell The Curse of Oak Island is supposed to be. But learning that someone who makes his living by widely debunking the majority of written human history actually likes history? That's … a bit surprising.

Now, to be fair, he usually attends them as a guest on behalf of Ancient Aliens but, to also be fair, we're pretty sure there's no way you can attend a history convention without at least picking up some real knowledge by osmosis. Or, maybe, if the con wasn't as full of bunk as the rest of the History Channel's shows — it even features cast members from Pawn Stars! Historical!

He's got a super-hot wife

Tsoukalo's wife's name is Krix Beeble and … we have absolutely no idea why she's with this man. Sure, they probably get along and do adorable couples stuff together all the time, but c'mon — look at her. And then look at him.

She's a Floridian who moved to LA, possibly because she was so beautiful, only LA could handle her. When she's not standing next to Giorgio, making him look even more like an alien, she's making glass art that she sells on Etsy. So with all that said … why is she with Giorgio. Our guess? Everything Tsoukalos tells us is true, and she is an alien spy from outer space, waiting for the right moment to strike and silence him forever. Or maybe it's the hair. Some people just got a thing for funny hair.

He produced and directed a bodybuilding competition

Tsoukalos wasn't always a wild-haired alien obsessive. He actually graduated college with degrees in sports information and communications. And despite the biggest thing on his body being his hair, he was big into bodybuilding. He didn't lift much himself, but he promoted many bodybuilding competitions, including Mr. Olympia competitions, the same event that made Arnold Schwarzenegger a well-known name. The two have even been photographed together, though that might just be because Arnold is almost certainly from outer space.

If anything, this might probe how Tsoukalos landed such an impossibly gorgeous wife. Maybe she was there for the bodies and he wooed her with his … squinty eyes, maybe? They've enchanted the Internet, so why couldn't they work on at least one real-life lady?

However, he wasn't content to just promote the swoll — he eventually became the producer and director of the San Francisco Pro Grand Prix, a biking competition. Wait … bikes. ET and Elliot rose a bike to the stars. Yep, that settles it … ALIENS.

He's from Switzerland, and he isn't the only alien dude there

Tsoukalos has a weird name, to say the least. We long gave up on trying to spell it and just copy/paste it whenever we need to talk about him. But it's not as odd a name once you realize where he's from — Switzerland. What's even more surprising is that he's not even the most famous alien dude from Switzerland. Erich Von Daniken, author of The Chariot of the Gods (which more-or-less created the contemporary idea of ancient aliens, to such an extent that Prometheus should probably claim him as a co-writer) is another Swiss! In fact, the two know each other, with Daniken even showing up in Tsoukalos' magazine, Legendary Times, a magazine devoted to — what else? — exploration of ancient aliens. If you can milk something, you milk something.

While it's not so weird that Daniken and Tsoukalos have met each other, it is a bit weird that the same spit of land produced some of the weirdest, most famous ancient alien proselytizers ever. Maybe there's something in the chocolate. If there is, we bet aliens put it there.

He styles his crazy hair using hair spray

When Tsoukalos did a Reddit AMA, there was but one question on everyone's mind — "how can we make fun of this dude as much as possible, without driving him away? Also, what the [very bad word Reddit just loves] is up with his hair?" After all, his hair is one of the most famous things about him — if he didn't have that ungodly quiff, there's a good chance no one would know who he was. However, his hair is there — almost defying us to argue that aliens are the most ridiculous thing we can think of. Unsurprisingly, someone asked him about it. He said it was styled. That's right: styled.

This might be the most surprising fact of them all. The man famous for having a messed-up mane of hair … actually uses hair spray. That's right. His hair isn't a freak accident of God, a punishment for running over a magical fairy in the road, or an ancient family curse — he makes it look like that. Does he style it that way on purpose? Is he just really, really bad at styling? Does an alien distract him every time he hits the bathroom to try and look his Sunday best? Or was he not joking when he told one Redditor that his hair is "being slowly abducted?" The universe may never know.

He claims aliens have interfered with many a US election, including the Trump one

Giorgio Tsoukalos: political pundit. While he has come out as saying he believes the most recent US election, resulting in Donald Trump as President, was manipulated, he doesn't think the Russians did it. Nope, he thinks aliens did it. That makes way more sense!

And that's not all — this guy actually believes this isn't the first time aliens have interfered in the United States election. He thinks that not only Trump, but Lincoln, Kennedy and Reagan were all elected with the help of aliens. (They must've been sick the day we voted for Warren G. Harding.) And they didn't just hack computers or spread "alternative facts" — nope, they did the old-fashioned way: with a "mind-control device" that uses low-frequency sound waves to brainwash people into voting for whom they want to run the country. Honestly, with that kind of creativity, we're beginning to think ol' Giorgio deserves to be a billionaire.

The best part? He says he has actual proof that aliens did it! The man most famous for saying "ALIENS!" claims aliens elected Donald Trump, and he can prove it! He just hasn't yet, presumably because nobody's paid him enough.

You can go on an intimate cruise with him

Have you ever wanted to go to Croatia? Well, how about going to Croatia on a cruise? An intimate one, at that, and with Giorgio Tsoukalos, to boot!

We'll give you a second to just digest that tidbit. Yes, the man with the weirdest hair on Earth, the man who believes aliens are responsible for basically all of human's accomplishments — including, presumably, boats — has a lecture cruise that you can go on. Sip daiquiris while the "ALIENS" dude explains how we only know the recipe for daiquiris thanks to the slime creatures from outer space? Sign us up!

But, what if you're not actually a huge fan of Tsoukalos. Sure he's alright, but he's no Erich Von Daniken, writer of Chariot of the Gods. Well, you're in luck, you strange strange monster! Because this intimate cruise, filled with lectures, actually features both Tsoukalos and Von Daniken. Have fun, you odd (obviously an alien disguised as a) human, you.

He's given up on fighting critics (though he used to do it a lot)

You might imagine, given his hair and his regular insistence that nobody could create anything without the direct intervention of sky beings, that Tsoukalos is actually quite adept at — and maybe even enjoys — verbal sparring with those who disagree. And you'd be … wrong. Unless you had a time machine. In which case you'd be right.

See, at this point, in his mature age, he's realized that he has no chance of convincing those who are closed minded to the idea of aliens doing everything for us, and so he doesn't even try. However, when he was younger and more stubborn, he'd spend hours arguing with critics. One skeptic upset him so much that, when that skeptic later attempted to interview Von Daniken, Tsoukalos went out of his way to stop him. So not only did he used to fight with critics, he'd also attempt to blackball them. Today, he's a lot more chill — maybe the aliens taught him some super-advanced yoga that he has yet to divulge to us.

He's almost a millionaire

If you're incredibly poor and don't know how to climb out of that hole, have we got the scheme for you! It's apparently ridiculously profitable to espouse what's almost certainly pure hokum about the existence of aliens. You don't even need to prove anything! Just style your hair, stare intently at the camera, and babble away!

Giorgio Tsoukalos isn't just a writer and expert of all thing alien — he's also a consulting producer for Ancient Aliens, which costs around $100,000 per episode to make. It's also been on for approximately all of time, ad infinum. So with all of that, with all of his hair, and all of his screaming, he's earned enough money to the point where he's almost a millionaire. His net worth is $750,000! Now, don't you feel silly about going to school to learn stuff?

He has lots of feelings about mythical creatures (and thinks they might be aliens too)

If you're a fan of things that likely don't exist, you might have noticed a running theme throughout humanity. We talk a lot, throughout history, about creatures who look like humans but are slightly different, are from another realm, have powers we cannot comprehend, and sometimes abduct us. Sometimes we call them fairies, and sometimes we call them aliens.

Of course, those aren't the only mythical creatures ever — there are Yetis, mermaids, and all sorts of things. So while someone who believes in aliens might not sound like the type of person who would also believe in dragons, well, Tsoukalos totally does. Not only is he fascinated by these creatures — which he admits to not knowing a ton about — he believes they might have been ancient aliens! Naturally. As he once said, "We have to ask ourselves: Did flying dragons really exist? Or was it misunderstood technology?" Sure. Because why not! So are trees, dinosaurs. Mountains, lakes, dirt … all things are aliens and aliens are all things.

He likes being a meme

The reason you know who Tsoukalos is — barring the five die-hard Ancient Alien fans reading — is because of the endless blanket of memes littering the internet wasteland, with his ridiculous face arguing for ridiculous ideas and theories — most of which are alien in nature. Somewhat surprisingly, Tsoukalos claims he doesn't hate the memes of his face, instead saying he actually likes them! Which we get, because who doesn't love being a meme? Aside from pretty much everyone.

What's most ridiculous about this is the fact that the entire meme about him is obviously making fun of him. It's not like Chocolate Rain or the Handsome Runner Guy, where we kinda like the person being memed — with Tsoukalos, the entire point of the meme is "Look at this dude, his weird opinions, and his weirder hair. Just look at him!" We get that sometimes you need to laugh at yourself, but Giorgio … buddy … you need to get that the joke is … you.

He claims to write a book that no one can find any trace of

Tsoukalos isn't known just for working on Ancient Aliens. After all, you wouldn't just grab a guy with goofy hair off the bodybuilding stage to ramble about aliens and pay him. Even a nutjob has to earn his stripes, and the man did edit Legendary Times, the magazine we mentioned earlier that published dozens of ancient aliens articles, including one by his Swiss alien bro, Daniken. So, he's got some merits. But that's not all he's claimed to write.

Supposedly he wrote something, most commonly thought to be a book, called Gods or Ancient Aliens. However, no one can find a copy of it, anywhere. Seriously, Google it for yourself. Despite this book being his number one claim to being qualified to working on Ancient Aliens, there's no proof this book actually exists. This begs the question — if the book is fake, what else is he making up? Is his hair not really styled? Is that not really his wife? Maybe he's not really from Switzerland … maybe he's not really from Earth.

His hair wasn't always this weird

Despite it kind of being his cash cow, Giorgio's wacky, wild, Beakman-on-steroids hairdo wasn't always part of his personality. In fact, when his Ancient Aliens show premiered in 2009, Giorgio had the most normal hair in the world. It was short, slicked-back, conservative, and if not for the creepy stare as he insists that Grandma only exists because aliens allow it, you'd think he were just some boring, middle-of-the-road science professor, and not that one weird teacher whose class you loved but who also made you kind of afraid to attend.

Over the years, as his hair grew, so did his ability to control it. You can see it jutting progressively further out and up as the show goes on—he first hits that generic "long hair adolescent phase" (where your hair just looks all puffy and weird before it gets weighed down and starts to grow out properly), and it just starts growing sideways more and more until it starts to rise. Its only goal now is to reach as close to the heavens as its hirsute master will allow.

He shows no signs of stopping with this alien stuff, so who knows how far his hair will go? If he lets it, it may grow strong enough to strangle anyone who doubts E.T. built Stonehenge.

He watches (and dismisses) shows that debunk him

Some people with fanatical beliefs refuse to hear any side but the one that agrees with them. Giorgio Tsoukalos is not one of them—he's more than happy to listen to people explain why the whole "aliens are why he have history" argument is stupider than the idea we could terraform the Sun. He's also more than happy to dismiss them the second they stop talking, because he's Giorgio Tsoukalos and they're not.

During his April 2015 Reddit AMA, a user asked Tsoukalos if he had seen Ancient Aliens Debunked, a three-hour documentary devoted to debunking Giorgios's Ancient Aliens show (it doesn't exactly have the most creative title). Giorgio admitted he had indeed watched the film, and then proceeded to give it a big 'ol raspberry. As he put it, "A three=hour movie cannot debunk 50 years of research," as if the people behind the three-hour movie didn't do tons of research before filming that three-hour movie. He then mic-dropped with: "I welcome the effort, but it has not, in any way, shape, or form, changed my opinion." No kidding—we're pretty sure nothing would. We could put cameras on all 50 sextillion planets in the universe, none showing life of any kind, and his only explanation would be: "They're shy."