Marvel Comics characters Hollywood could never get right

The Marvel Cinematic/Televised/NotReading Universe is rapidly expanding, meaning at any point they could take a fresh batch of comic characters and turn them into screen stars. The problem is, while some of these characters are truly awesome, fitting them into the film universe would be a bit, uh … impossible. Here's why: 

Marcus, the Werewolf Centaur Symbiote

Marcus, the Werewolf Centaur Symbiote, is perhaps the strangest comic book character ever made. He is a centaur from Ancient Greece who was bitten by a werewolf. That should've been all well and good, but not enough for Marvel! After that he gained a symbiote, which is what Venom and Carnage are. So he's a three-layered, super-evil, super-awesome baddie from ancient Greece.

There's about nine thousand reasons he would never fit into a Marvel movie, but the simplest reason is — how would you fit all that explanation into a film? First, we'd need to introduce werewolves (which don't yet exist in the MCU). Then we'd need to introduce symbiotes (which technically don't exist because SPider-Man 3 didn't happen). After that, we'd need to make it known that all the things in Ancient Greece are true and then we'd need to say, "Oh, and there's someone who has all of that." While it'd be awesome to see him kick everyone's butts, it would be more confusing than a raccoon working with a tree.

FrankenCastle

The Punisher is one of the most famous Marvel characters ever. He was recently introduced in Marvel's Daredevil as an awesome, super-killy vigilante. He's a supremely gritty superhero, because he has no powers aside from just all of the guns, which he uses to shoot all the bad guys.

Naturally, if there really was an unpowered man going up against people who can punch out gods, he probably wouldn't last long. Marvel realized that and had him gutted by Wolverine's evil son and die. But, since this is comics, that couldn't be the end! He was brought back to life and sewn together to create … FrankenCastle. Imagine if Frankenstein had Punisher's desire to shoot basically everyone, but was still a mismatched lump of dead bodies. That's FrankenCastle. While he's amazingly awesome, introducing him to the ultra-realistic world of the Netflix series would, at best, strain their credulity.

The Beyonder

The Beyonder actually seems like a great choice for the Marvel Universe … at first. When he's introduced, he's a being beyond all measure who summons a bunch of heroes and villains to a small rock called Battleworld. There, they punch each other over and over until only one of them is left. It's a great comic, it'd be a great movie, so please make this, Marvel.

The problem comes with the sequels (this is Marvel, of course they'd want sequels). After the Battleworld event ended, the Beyonder came back in human form, and decided to live on Earth. To be clear, this is an omnipotent being who chose to live on Earth in the '70s, looking like the main character of a mockbuster version of Saturday Night Fever. All he did was mope around, laugh at people, and … nope, that was basically it. We cannot even begin to imagine how you would fit such a disappointing and pointless character into the Marvel Universe. Although, this is the company who gave us Iron Man 2, so anything is possible.

Nextwave

That image above features absolutely nobody from the Marvel series Nextwave: Agents of Hate, but represents exactly why we will never see the coolest team in comics ever show up on the big screen. See, in case it's not clear from the image, that's a giant, talking dragon monster shoving a man inside his pants, while destroying a city, and telling said man that he's putting him in his pants. You know how Scary Movie and Airplane! made fun of whole genres of movies? Nextwave was basically that for Marvel, except it was published by Marvel, and placed in Marvel continuity.

Unfortunately, the MCU doesn't seem the place that would be fine including a huge comedy making fun of literally everything ridiculous about their own movies. Even if Marvel was so bold, part of the problem is that Nextwave aims large, taking a shot at pretty much everything that's ridiculous in the Marvel Universe. Since it's been around for decades, it's pretty easy to fill up a comic book with all the zany Marvel silliness. However, there's less than twenty Marvel movies right now, and that's simply not enough to make fun of. There's a chance we might see this, if the MCU is still around in a hundred years. But until then? Sorry, Hate fans, no Fin Fang Foom pants for you.

(Note: Fin Fang Foom will almost definitely show up at some point in the MCU. He's a giant lizard dragon monster who is oftentimes portrayed seriously, and fights Thor a lot. If he's not in Thor: Ragnorak, we'll be kinda surprised. But if they let him be silly and Nextwave-y, we'll be completely surprised.)

Throg

Speaking of Throg — Ha, what a silly typo we made! We obviously meant Thor.

Speaking of Thor, there's a tiny frog that is also a Thor. His name is Throg. Dammit, it wasn't a typo! This thing exists!

See, at one point, Thor's hammer shrinks down to a tiny thing, and it gets put on a stick by a frog. That would be ridiculous enough, but Thor's also a frog at the time. Oh, and Throg? He was once a human who was cursed to turn into a frog by a mystic he sought after losing his wife. There should be no way that's actually true but, google it yourself. All we have to say is, comics.

While we'd certainly dig seeing a tiny frog Thor running around, we're afraid his backstory makes his inclusion into the MCU a bit … problematic? The only way he'd fit into the Universe is if he had a dedicated amount of screentime, but there's no way the producers would devote that much time to a frog who is also Thor, even though that would probably be the only thing we want to see more than Infinity War.

Manphibian

Manphibian has the most ridiculous name ever and, honestly, that should be enough to disqualify him from the running. Manphibian is an alien creature who, after the death of his wife, pursued her murderer into space before finally ending up on Earth. Most recently, he's joined The Howling Commandos of S.H.I.E.L.D., a team of superhuman monsters who teamed up to take down the most devious and awesome supernatural threats of the Marvel Universe.

The problem with bringing Manphibian into the MCU is knowing exactly where to fit him. See, he's an alien, so he might make sense in Guardians, but he's best known for fighting supernatural threats, so maybe Doctor Strange? But on the other hand, he is one of the least-known characters in comics, and his most recent team's comic was cancelled, and also he is literally a giant rip off of The Creature from the Black Lagoon. We're pretty sure the MCU has no franchise for that, so the chances of seeing him on-screen are about the same as anyone knowing who the hell he is: basically nil.

Wiccan and Speed

Wiccan and Speed are two members of the Young Avengers. Wiccan has magic powers and Speed runs real fast. The two are pretty cool and, aside from them being not the most popular characters, there's no big reason that they couldn't appear in the future. Except for the fact that they're … magical semi-hallucinations created by Scarlet Witch and The Vision having sex. So, there's that.

Now, the MCU movies have hinted at Scarlet Witch and Vision having a relationship — much like in the books. While we can totally see some tasteful innuendo about the two of them getting busy beneath the sheets, we cannot see any way, in any realm, where the two of them manage to have children.

Another problem with this is that the birth (and subsequent realization that Scarlet Witch magicked them into existence) causes Mrs. Witch to have a mental breakdown and cause M-Day, in which she removes the powers of almost every single mutant in existence. The problem with that is, there are no mutants in the MCU so that story wouldn't even sorta fly, and without a huge event driving them, it seems unlikely Marvel would invest in "children of a witch and a robot."

Spider-Man Noir

Spider-Man Noir is from a series that takes place in the 1920s, which reimagines some of the most popular Marvel characters as pulp and noir fiction characters. This means the bright, fast-talking Spider-Man is now a dark and bleak detective with a gun. He fights gangsters based on Spidey villains, and works as a reporter for an underground newspaper. He's pretty much Batman but also, somehow, Spider-Man, which makes him just the best thing ever.

So why will we never see him? Because his story is just too weird. But more than that, it just doesn't fit into the MCU. Unless Marvel is willing to create an entirely new Universe of films (which, yes please) then this movie will never exist. And since Marvel is already making about four current-universe movies a year, this seems incredibly unlikely to get squeezed in anywhere. Also, four Marvel films a year? They're great, but c'mon — would there be any non-Marvel movies left?

Penance

Penance started life as a fun bundle of joy named Speedball. He made balls fly from him and … uh … that was kinda it. But during the events of the Civil War comic, he accidentally contributed to an entire school being destroyed. Reacting with all the emotional maturity of a drunken fourteen-year-old, he renamed himself Penance and put on battle armor with spikes on the inside.

Now, there's a whole lot of reasons that Marvel would never put him in a film, but let's start with the most obvious one: his name is wrong. He obviously should have been called Iron Maiden, though we're thinking some band night take issue with that one. Also, his thing is he literally wears a suit with spikes digging into his skin constantly. Look, if he were from DC there'd be a tiny chance, but in Marvel? No way, no how.

Also, look at his suit. How horrible would that look in action? Eugh.

Eternity

Alright, so this character? He's Eternity. Everything. All of it. He's that. While we imagine it'd be cool of Marvel to deal with such an interesting and weird character, it seems pretty unlikely.

Think about it — can you imagine MCU Tony Stark coming face-to-face with a being that represents literally everything that ever exists? A being which, we should also note, has gotten into fights with other super deities — including Thanos at one point? That's simply too weird for the MCU. Hell, at this point even Guardians of the Galaxy is dialing back the weird a bit — at first the director announced Ego, the Living Planet, but later revealed it'll be portrayed as a human being because apparently he wants to be super lame.

Now, if a living, sentient planet is too far, then the embodiment of literally everything is probably out of the realm of possibility too. And what of the one above eternity? The one above all? That's right, what about …

The Leader

The Leader is a wonderful choice for a Hulk villain. He has gamma-induced powers, but in his case it's telekinesis and telepathy and other words that begin with tele (telephone?). If there was ever a stand-alone Hulk movie, he'd be great. Or hell, even a quick little thing at the beginning of one of the other films.

There's one big problem though. He was already introduced, back in the incredibly terrible Incredible Hulk. Now, at first we could pretend that movie didn't exist, but with the reintroduction of Thunderbolt Ross (played by the same actor from Incredible Hulk), and a reference to the Hulk "breaking Harlem" in The Avengers, that movie is sadly in canon. And with it, The Leader.

Plus, his story's all messed-up. At one point, Banner meets up with a scientist who, after Banner gets attacked, gets some gamma-juice spilled on his head. As his skull bubbles, he starts laughing. Now, there's about a dozen problems with this. This either establishes that The Leader turned right there, in which case S.H.I.E.L.D. agents got him, or he turned and got away, in which case what the ding-dang has he been doing all these years?

Another problem is he — even before getting power — is a super genius, but in the film he's just … kinda smart. Nobody wants a film about a guy with average intelligence, which we know because nobody cares about home movies starring our relatives.