The most useless superpowers

The comic world is littered with heroes possessing various god-like abilities. Heroes who could end all life as we know it with a thought, punt a hospital into orbit, or fart tornadoes. But for every hero with powers like these, there are heroes who couldn't even receive the short end of the stick without getting a splinter. Heroes with "superpowers" so specific in their nature or unwieldy that they're next to useless, heroes …

Leon Nunez

Leon Nunez is a Marvel character so lame he doesn't even have a superhero alter-ego, and his power is so awkward, its explanation on the Marvel wiki is almost as long as his entire character biography.

In a nutshell, Nunez is a mutant with the ability to give other people superpowers, via tattoos that roughly correspond to that power. So, if Nunez wanted to grant someone the ability to fly, he'd give them a tattoo of some wings, or if he wanted them to be able to shotgun Jägermeister, he'd give them a tramp stamp. You may notice that giving someone a tattoo is an incredibly convoluted and time-consuming process, meaning Nunez is next-to-useless in an actual fight, unless you give him 3 weeks notice and know exactly what you're up against.

On top of this, every time Nunez gives someone a magic tattoo it requires a portion of his "will" to work, meaning every tattoo slowly saps away at his own strength, as shown in the first nine issues of the Young X-Men series. When the limit of his power is reached, Nunez will fall into a coma and die. For some reason, Nunez never tries to tattoo himself, so his actual story arc in the comics is that he gives 100 random people new superpowers, falls into a coma, and is promptly never heard from ever again.

Doorman

This Marvel "hero" has powers roughly analogous to Nightcrawler, the original BAMF. However, unlike Nightcrawler, who can teleport himself and an unclear amount of extra stuff an almost infinite distance at will, Doorman can only teleport people to … the next room, hence the wholly unthreatening name, Doorman.

Technically, Doorman's body functions as a portal to a mysterious dimension filled with Iron Maiden album covers, that can transport people through any solid object Doorman stands against, as shown in the hilarious G.L.A.: Misassembled miniseries from 2005. This, despite sounding cool, is still a fairly useless ability in a world where Juggernaut and actual doors exists. The worst part is, Doorman can't even control this power, meaning people can pass through him against his will by simply walking into him, preferably with their middle finger raised to rub it in.

In Avengers: Roll Call #1, Doorman was eventually killed and resurrected with a host of extra powers, such as the ability to transcend death, be immune to harm, and summon a magic pair of skis. None did anything in the way of elevating his position in the Marvel hierarchy, because nobody can respect a hero whose main ability can be replaced by the thing that killed Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic.

Spot

Spot is a Spider-Man villain with the ability to to create tiny inter-dimensional doorways from the spots on his body. Spot can control the size of these doorways, and they can seemingly transport any amount of matter over a cast distance instantaneously. Spot uses this ability to walk through walls, avoid using the stairs, and layeth the smacketh down on Spider-Man from a city block away. Spot also probably uses his powers to drop his turds from orbit onto Avengers Tower, because that's sure as hell what we'd do if we had his powers.

On paper, Spot's power is pretty great, being powerful enough to trump Spider-Man's spider-sense due to its unpredictability, as it did in Amazing Spider-Man #589. However, since Spot only has human-level strength and reflexes, while he could theoretically cold-cock any superhero he wanted, he could never actually do any real damage to them. This isn't to mention how Spot looks kind of goofy, and has a supervillain name only mildly less threatening than Fido or Clifford. Bad dog, no awesome powers!

Gentle

Gentle is a mutant from the Marvel universe with the ability to become infinitely buff at will, giving him the potential for limitless strength. Essentially, Gentle can expand his own muscle mass, dramatically increasing his strength and durability while reducing his ability to find T-shirts that fit. The buffer Gentle allows himself to become, the stronger he is, which sounds pretty sweet, right? The comics even note that there's no conceivable limits to Gentle's buffness, meaning he could theoretically go toe-to-toe with the heaviest hitters in the Marvel universe, fight the Hulk to a standstill, or backhand Thor through a brick-wall.

The thing is, Gentle's powers are kept in check by special vibranium tattoos all across this body that prevent him from becoming too buff. The comics note that every time Gentle roids out and uses his powers, his baseline strength increases, which is an issue because his tattoos will eventually be unable to hold back his rippling biceps and sick-ass delts. This means that Gentle is destined to die like the rattiest of all gym-rats: exploding in a mass of hypersonic bone fragments and testosterone from flexing just that little bit too hard.

Friendly Fire

Friendly Fire is a DC hero who fought alongside a team of heroes known as Section 8. He has the ability to shoot powerful concussive laser blasts from his fist, strong enough to blow someone's head clean off. We know this because Friendly Fire is killed shortly after his debut, when he misses his target and blows his own clean head off with one of his laser blasts. Can't win 'em all. Or in his case, any.

Prior to this, Friendly Fire's power is shown to be a massive hinderance to his team, as it seemingly only has the ability to harm his own teammates. This inexplicably surprises them, despite Friendly Fire's name kind of being a dead giveaway that he's not going to be of much as an asset to a fight as say, Dogwelder. Friendly Fire dies with a negative kill-death ratio, having failed to ever hit a single enemy in battle and after injuring half his own teammates by laser-punching them by accident.

Bailey Hoskins: the worst X-Man ever

That title isn't us being sarcastic — that's literally the way he's described in his first comic appearance, and when your official debut into a universe where Cyclops exists is the comic telling you that you're the worst X-man, you know you suck more than a nuclear-powered vacuum cleaner.

Basically, Hoskins is a mutant with the ability to detonate his body at will, with enough force to level a city, turn the Hulk into a pink smear or even destroy the entire world. One power Hoskins doesn't have, though, is the ability to survive this explosion, meaning he can't actually ever use his powers without killing himself and everyone around him. Professor X feels so bad for Hoskins in the comics, he gives him a suit of power-armor so he can actually help out during fights … and presumably to stop him turning the X-Mansion into a smoking crater by pouting too hard.

ForgetMeNot

ForgetMeNot is a mutant with the power of imperceptibility, which is just a fancy way of saying he has the power of being so unremarkable you instantly forget he exists. ForgetMeNot's power makes it so the moment he leaves someone's perspective, he ceases to exist to that person, with all memories of his existence being instantly and permanently erased.

The comics mention that ForgetMeNot was actually a member of the X-Men for six years before someone finally realized he existed, because the toilet paper kept going missing in the X-Mansion. When your own turds are more noticeable to your comrades than you are, there's a chance your power isn't all that useful to the team. Then again, it is mentioned that ForgetMeNot gets to ride trains for free because nobody can see him, so yeah, rough with the smooth and all that.

The Wall

This is an old, obscure Spider-man villain with a similar backstory to Sandman, only instead of being a small-time crook-turned-sentient cloud of sand, Waldemeyer is a teenager who was exploded so hard by a bomb he turned into a walkin', talkin' stack of bricks. We should probably mention that this particular villain hails from the earlier, stupider days of comic books.

As you can probably guess from his name and the glorious picture two inches above this sentence, THE WALL possesses all of the strengths of a sentient piece of concrete. These powers includes superhuman strength, durability, and bizarrely enough, the ability to control the minds of baseball umpires. All for the low, low cost of sacrificing his ability to form meaningful human connections ever again, and having no arms. What a bargain!

Ten-Eyed Man

Ten-Eyed Man is a Batman villain with eyeballs where his fingertips should be. In real life, this would make Ten-Eyed Man a wreck of a human being who only knew how to communicate via screaming. In comics, however, it makes him powerful enough to square off against a man who has a file in his desk detailing how to beat up Superman.

To be clear, Ten-Eyed Man has no superpower beyond having 10 eyes, all of which are located on his fingertips. Hell, he doesn't even have regular eyes to back up these extra eyes, because he was blinded in an explosion. Despite this, Ten-Eyed Man decided to inexplicably become a supervillain and antagonize Batman. Because comics are dumb, Ten-Eyed Man actually manages to beat the Dark Knight in at least one fist fight, even though to throw a punch, Ten-Eyed Man has to blind himself. So we guess this power isn't all that bad, if you're okay with being potentially killed by a papercut or something.

Wraith

Wraith is a fairly unique example of a Mutant, in that he's one of the few whose powers never fully manifest themselves. The comics note that Wraith's power seems to be the one all horny teenage boys would give their left sac for: invisibility. However, for some reason, Wraiths powers never 100% realize themselves, leaving him with the entirely useless ability to turn his skin — and only his skin — invisible. Seemingly just to rub it, the X-Gene in Wraith's body doesn't even let him control this power, meaning he has to walk around all the time looking like a fleshly skeleton.

Wraith's appearance is so unsettling, the first X-Men comic panel he appears in shows him being beaten half to death by a crowd of people for looking like a horrible monster. Wraith's ability to turn invisible is such a non-power, it actually makes him more visible to people, while simultaneously giving him no ability to defend himself from even most the ineffectual slaps of a half-hearted angry mob whom you know weren't putting any real effort into it.