The Most Ridiculous Horror Movie Bad Guys

There are horror movies with some solid jokes. There are comedies with legit scares. But it's a rare movie indeed that becomes such a fiasco of bad choices and over-the-top mistakes that you can't tell if you're supposed to be laughing or screaming. Such unrelenting killer dookie means you've crossed over into something truly craptastic

Perhaps the only Christmas movie to feature an American Pie cast member raped to death by a carrot, Jack Frost is the coal in the stocking of low-budget horror flicks. One can only assume the filmmakers were watching Child's Play over the holidays and realized that if they could rip it off without getting sued, they just might have some gold, frankincense, and myrrh on their hands. Instead, all they wound up with was dung left behind by the donkey in the manger.

The movie tells the classic tale of a serial killer who, after crashing into a truck full of toxic chemicals, fuses with a mound of snow. Oh, and in case you were wondering, the killer's name was Jack Frost before he became a snowman. And, yes, he just happened to kill people in a town called Snowmonton because not everything has to make sense, you logic Nazi. Yet another frightful flick to rely almost exclusively on puns, Jack Frost spends its 89-minute runtime dropping witty dimes like, "I've got a point to make," while making the stabby with an icicle. Even Arnie's Mr. Freeze knew to chill with the cold puns eventually.

Frankly, the funniest thing about this movie is all the confused families who probably tried to rent the Michael Keaton family flick of the same name—released just a year later—only realizing their mistake as Jack Frost's skin melted off his bones in the opening scene. Pretty sure the only thing those kids wanted for Christmas was a therapist.

Despite being the definitive America horror author of the last century, Stephen King's film adaptations often turn into a more ... untended form of nightmare. With The Mangler, King goes back to one of his favorite tropes: the haunted machine. The only problem is, this isn't a classic killer car like Christine, one full of deadly fumes and righteous chase sequences. No, this time it's a laundry machine. In a basement. Seriously.

It's a laundry press, to be perfectly accurate. But this one has a taste for BLOOD! Ah, who are we kidding? Despite having three horror icons help bring it to life—King, Tobe Hooper, and Freddy Krueger himself, Robert Englund, this immobile hunk of metal is less scary than a red wine stain on white linen. But, of course, because there's money to be made, this story of a haunted laundry service got two sequels. Now that's scary.

What is it about L.A. Law actors, low-rent '90s horror flicks, and the medical profession, that seem to all fit together like a glove? Here we find Larry Drake scrubbing in as a homicidal doctor with a dream: to carve up enough nubile young patients to help bring his dead mother back from the grave. Sure, why not?

But much like The Dentist, the other crappy '90s medical horror that's just lousy with L.A. Law folk, Dr. Giggles is high on camp and low on actual comedy. Not one to run away from their "giggle" moniker, the titular hero spends more time dropping one-liners than bodies. He holds up a golf club and says, "Time to do what doctors do best." He kills someone, before yukking, "If you think that's bad, wait until you get the bill." Hell, he even looks into the camera as he lies dying at the end of the movie and asks if there's a doctor in the house. Not since Henny Youngman has a man relied more on one-liners to kill.

This movie has a secret weapon that never fails to deliver a heaping plate of ridiculousness: Gary Busey. When you have the most whacked-out weirdo in Hollywood history playing a serial killing cookie, you don't need to do much to make your schlocky horror flick go from lousy to loopy.

With a supporting cast that seems like it was pulled together from Craigslist, and a cinematic style that implies the entire budget was spent on Busey's anti-psychotic meds, this movie is feels like it was shot entirely over one weekend. Even the now-standard puns barely hold together. When a character examines the titular Gingerdead Man and concludes, "I think you overcooked it," the sugary Busey treat cackles, "On the contrary, I baked up just fine." Ummm, that's not so much a pun—it's more a screenwriting punt.

The real joy here is watching Busey do his best Chucky impression, presumably while high in a recording studio deep in San Fernando Valley. Frankly, the opening scene, in which Busey gives a performance that should have earned him the Oscar for Best Actor Who Didn't Know He Was Being Filmed, is worth the price of admission.

If you're looking for the crappiest movie monster of all time, it's hard to look past the Monsturd, a living piece of poop with a serious cow chip on its shoulder. The story is pretty original: a serial killer falls into a vat of chemicals and is fused with the molecules of poop. Remember, we said original, not good.

If you think the Monsturd kills his victims by crawling up through toilets, you're right. If you think the climax of the movie is at a chili cook off, you get what this movie is all about. If you think the evil corporation behind the poop-melding science is called Dutech, pronounced "Doo Tech," then you are really good at guessing. Maybe you should write the sequel. And then burn the script, because nobody wants Monsturd 2.

With the production values of a home movie, and a script that feels like it was written by someone who's seen one too many horror flicks and also happens to be a toddler, this movie might not be for everyone, but there's no doubt your nightmares after watching this ridiculous monster movie will take a turn for the stinky.