Most Hilarious Obituaries Of All Time
For the majority of us, death is a sad event that ushers in months of mourning. Others, however, take a more lighthearted approach to the inevitable. Obituaries typically list a person's achievements or what they were known for, and they usually do this with a sort of noble approach. But those aren't too fun to read, now are they? What if the accomplishments you're really proud of are more, shall we say, unconventional? Here are the most hilarious obituaries of all time.
Val Patterson
Mr. Val Paterson's life motto was, as he wrote in his own obituary, "Anything for a laugh." At first, his obit starts off rather typically, listing what he enjoyed most in life. But the laugh comes in when he simply can't keep the good guy act up anymore. As he went to his grave, he found the deep need to confess his life's crimes. Paterson was a downright thief, on multiple counts. Only his ploys weren't all about diamonds or rare paintings.
"As it turns out," he writes, "I AM the guy who stole the safe from the Motor View Drive Inn back in June, 1971. I could have left that unsaid, but I wanted to get it off my chest. Also, I really am NOT a Ph.D." In fact, Mr. Patterson never actually graduated college. A clerical error resulted in not only a college diploma, but an unearned Ph.D. "In fact," he adds, "I never did even learn what the letters 'PhD' even stood for." Thankfully, he didn't receive a Ph.D for medicine, or a lot more people would have written their own obituaries by now, but he did work as a professional electrical engineer.
Oh, and that's not all. Just to spite a "mean park ranger," the man rolled rocks on top of a geyser to ruin the ranger's day. Patterson also admits to being banned from both Disneyland and SeaWorld, but gives no reason why. What a life.
Scott E. Entsminger
Anyone who knows anything about football knows that the Cleveland Browns have been absolutely terrible for a number of years. Browns fan Scott E. Entsminger definitely didn't forget about his legendarily awful team when it all came down to the wire. Before Entsminger's death in 2013, the Browns had had quite the losing streak for decades, with one random good season plopped in every 7 years or so. Fans never like when their teams lose, but once you have your team, you're stuck with them forever. In Entsminger's case, he really did mean forever.
This man's final wish was to have six players from the Cleveland Browns act as pallbearers for him on the day of his funeral, "so the Browns can let him down one last time." Apparently, you can throw serious shade, even if you're dead. And for the record, the Browns haven't done much better since Mr. Entsminger passed. The team finished with a 1-15 record for the 2016 NFL regular season. Maybe if we all listen hard enough, we can still hear Entsminger cursing and blaspheming from the other side.
William Ziegler
Regardless of your politics, you have to admit the U.S. presidential election of 2016 was a highly unusual, stressful, and all-around exhausting affair. That's why William Ziegler, a New Orleans firefighter, checked out of life before he had to cast his vote. At least, that's what his family believes. "We think he did it on purpose to avoid having to make a decision in the pending presidential election" was added to the very beginning of his obituary, sitting casually between how old he was and how many kids he left behind.
That's not all that's in Ziegler's obituary, though. The final sentences read, "Unlike previous times, this is not a ploy to avoid creditors or old girlfriends. He assures us that he is gone." His children, who penned the obit, might have been kidding, but one thing's clear about Ziegler: he could fight fires and make a person laugh, but it looks like he couldn't take much responsibility for anything else. He also supposedly left this world with a number of bar I.O.U.'s. His children are certain that their father still invites anyone to buy him another beer in heaven. Whoever says you have to pay your debts, either as a member of society or a bar regular, clearly never met this man.
Elwood "Buddy" Segeske III
Buddy was a man of simple needs. He enjoyed his toy cymbal-smashing monkey every day, which he left behind as one of his most prized possessions. He also had a life full of adventure, especially when he was abducted by aliens in the year 1992. Good times, we imagine. In his obituary, Buddy also took care to reminisce about his romantic life. Who among us doesn't remember our first time? For him, the moment was extra memorable because he cried — not from emotion, but from pepper spray. And of course, what is an obituary without looking back on a person's biggest accomplishments? For this Philly man, it was all about his uncanny ability to hit the urinal cake with unbelievable accuracy. What a life, eh?
Now, we're not sure if any of this is true or not, even though it was the obituary published on his behalf. What is certain, though, is that these last words were his last wishes. According to Philly Voice, "Segeske had 'once read a humorous obit and said, 'That's what I want.'" He passed away due to heart complications in February of 2016, but not before leaving with one last laugh.
James "Jim" Groth
There are very few certainties in life, but Jim Groth had been able to figure some out by the time he died. For one, as many living people will also argue, he asserted in his obit that Monty Python and the Holy Grail was "the best movie ever." In fact, he had quite a bit to say about the entertainment industry. He died believing that "Bruce Springsteen [was the] best recording artist" and that "Clint Eastwood [was the] the baddest man on the planet." Also, if you really want yourself a girlfriend, Groth recommends you get yourself an El Camino.
But life isn't all about pleasures. For example, Jim died with the regret that he once "ate a rotisserie hot dog from a convenience store" and was also pretty bummed about not having video testimonial to his "prowess on the soccer field or in the bedroom." We're going to go with his assumption that he was a fierce team player, and not just overcompensating for something. Either way, RIP, Jim.
Antonia "Toni" Larroux
Mississippi resident Toni Larroux passed away on April 30, 2013 after struggling with several diseases. While that in itself is sad, her obituary was nothing less than smile-inducing. First and foremost, she is remembered as one of the most loyal patrons of Waffle House. We're not sure how many waffles it takes to earn platinum status at a waffle joint, but it certainly seems to be her grandest achievement, as it is the very first line of her obit.
A bit lower on the list were her library books. And by low we mean really low, because in lieu of flowers, "Any gifts in her honor should be made to the Hancock County Library Foundation (to the overdue book fund)." Perhaps Larroux didn't have well-reasoned priorities, but every moment chomping on a waffle made her happier than spending 25 cents on a book. We hope you're still licking syrup off your fingers in the afterlife.
Douglas Legler
That is it. That is literally all that this man wanted in his obituary. And honestly, people could have figured out that he died without reading his obit. So why go to the trouble of having two words printed at all?
It seems that during his lifetime, Doug had a habit of reading obituaries in the paper. He also had a habit of criticizing each and every obit he read. According to his daughter, Janet Stoll, "He said over and over, when I die I want my obituary to just say 'Doug Died.'" A man so concerned about the obituaries of strangers wanted to give no one the ability to judge him after death.
Doug, we appreciate your honesty.
Stephen Merrill
There are few people who have had the privilege of playing the role of Batman (Christian Bale, Adam West and that one guy in Hoboken, to name a few), but how many real people are known to have been killed by Batman? For one, there is Mr. Merrill. His obituary lists cause of death as an uppercut jab by Batman. First of all, if this were true, we imagine he'd be totally okay with it, as he was apparently a huge fan of America's beloved fictional superheroes. While it would be a pretty awesome way to die, it was really just stand-in information that his friends and family provided because they initially didn't know what the cause of death was. (Merrill died unexpectedly at the age of 31.)
Not only did those he left behind color in his obituary by throwing in Batman, but they carried on the theme to the funeral service. Those who attended wore superhero tees, played soundtracks from his favorite superhero movies, and even provided him with a flower arrangement made to look like the Captain America shield. If you want to die the cool way, you've got Stephen Merrill to look to for inspiration.
Aaron Joseph Purmort
Mr. Purmort's obituary starts off typically: in the first half of the first line, it simply says he "died peacefully at home." But the second half of that line immediately takes an unexpected turn. He may have died peacefully, but the cause of death is cited as a radioactive spider bite. The story quickly picks up from there, as his obit details just how much he did for his community as ... Spider-Man.
Throughout his many years of crime-fighting, his toughest nemesis was the "nefarious criminal named Cancer." According to the National Cancer Institute, statistics from 2010-2012 indicate that about 40% of people are diagnosed with cancer each year. Mr. Purmort — er, Spider-Man — fought this villain with courage, but unfortunately every superhero takes a hit at some point. But hey, at least he was able give himself a kickass backstory before he died.
Art Buchwald
The New York Times has a video segment called "The Last Word" that allows people to record their own obituaries for future use. One example of this kind of obituary is that of humor columnist Art Buchwald. The video opens with a very blatant statement from the man: "Hi! I'm Art Buchwald! I just died!" Being the humorist he is (or was), he answered the Times interviewer's question about the meaning of his life with yet another wry response: "I haven't figured it out!"
The elderly writer, who started off as a foster child with nothing and ended up making big money and big fame from his columns and books, approached death very casually. His video message ends with an uplifting sentiment, most likely as a result of his empty childhood. "If you can make people laugh," he said, "you're getting all the love you want."