Video game weapons we would never want in real life

One of the best things about video games is that they let us use weapons we'd otherwise never be able to use. While it's incredibly satisfying to blast apart warbots with a huge arsenal of ridiculous guns in Ratchet & Clank, or rack up n00b-laden killstreaks with futuristic space-weaponry in Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare, not all video game weapons are created equal. Some would be downright awesome to use in real life, there's no doubt. Others, however, would probably — for one reason or another — just plain suck.

Kirkhammer — Bloodborne

Costing hunters a cool 3000 Blood Echoes (why can't real-world money sound this cool?), Bloodborne's Kirkhammer is — like most weapons in the game — two weapons in one. Unfortunately, the real-life practicality of one of those weapons would require a weightlifting belt and a steady diet of over-the-counter painkillers.

As described in the game, the Kirkhammer is "a trick weapon typically used by Healing Church hunters. On the one side, an easily handled silver sword. On the other, a giant obtuse stone weapon, characterized by a blunt strike and extreme force of impact." The easily handled silver sword would be, in real life beast-hunting situations, just that: easy. It's light, thin, sleek, and simple. Anyone could enter Yarnham welding that nifty blade.

The rectangular rock posing as a hammer head, on the other hand, would make this weapon a definite real-life hard pass. Assuming you're even strong enough to lift that massive hammer above your head without collapsing in a heap of broken bones and hernias, the practicality just isn't there. It's dreadfully slow, giving opponents ample time to react and get out of the way. Its wide radius would definitely leave the wielder open to counter attacks, as would the sheer weight of the monstrosity. Carrying that thing on your back for more than a few minutes would probably make you feel like you're role-playing as Atlas, and good luck sneaking up on anybody when you're constantly straining under the hammer's weight.

While the Kirkhammer is more than viable in the fictional world of Bloodborne, we'd probably opt for the Threaded Cane, in real life.

Gunblades — Final Fantasy XIII

Final Fantasy's gunblade may look totally badass, but don't bring a blade to a gunfight. Or is it, "don't bring a gun to a bladefight?" In this case, we're going with the latter.

First appearing in Final Fantasy VIII, as protagonist Squall Leonhart's and jerkface Seifer Almasy's weapons of choice, the gunblade is one sleek means of slicing and dicing evil forces. These particular gunblades would be awesome in real life, as pulling them doesn't actually fire a projectile. Rather, the rounds in these gunblades produce a vibrating effect, causing extra damage if fired when cutting the flesh of an enemy.

Instead, it's Lightning's gunblades in Final Fantasy XIII which would probably suck in real life, as these particular variants can be used in both melee and long-range combat. Unlike Squall's and Seifer's, which are only used to melee, the shooting capabilities of Lightning's gunblades would surely leave much to be desired. First of all, the blade is probably reasonably heavy — surely a lot heavier than your standard handgun, which serves the same purpose. Secondly, although the gunblades look pretty sweet, one must question the accuracy of these weapons, especially with the noticeable absence of a functional sight. No matter which way you spin it, these brands of gunblades are going to lose to any normal handgun or rifle, any day of the week.

Still, Lightning's gunblades get some serious style points.

BFG — Doom series

First appearing in classic first-person shooter Doom, the BFG-9000 is one massive monstrosity of a gun that — while epically beastly in video games — would best be left at home in real life.

Some say that BFG stands for "Big Freakin' Gun" or "Bio Force Gun," but everyone knows what it really stands for: "Big F***ing Gun." The weapon, in its various renditions, projects — in one way or another — an intense amount of energy at the enemy. Originally, in 1993's Doom, the gun fired 80 or so plasma balls, and was capable of clearing entire rooms full of enemies with a single shot, easily making it the most powerful weapon in the game. So, how could it possibly suck in real life?

The gun is just too f***ing big, that's why! The sheer weight of the thing is surely too much for any human to bear, even a total badass like the Marine. And can you imagine the recoil? It must be astronomical, enough to throw even the largest of men backwards through a wall. On top of that, some versions of the BFG can actually explode, killing the wielder, if charged too much — like in Doom 3.

The weapon may be one of the best guns ever created in the video game universe, but it'd be too much for any master of firearms in real life. In place of the BFG, you'd probably be better off with a Normal F***ing Gun … or just punching people.

Blades of Chaos — God of War series

Fans of the God of War series know how fun it can be to swing around one of Kratos' signature weapons, in a beautiful dance of death and destruction. These hellish blades, however, should stay in video games, where they belong.

The Blades of Chaos were formed in the darkest, deepest, dankest depths of Hades, and have been responsible for the deaths of countless souls. Created by the God of War himself, Ares, these brutal weapons of mass slaying are imbued with fire, and allow for fluidity of movement — so one can roast their enemies whilst slicing and dicing in a smooth, clean fashion. They're pretty awesome, as far as godlike weapons go.

That being said, we want nothing to do with Kratos' staple weapon in the mortal world.

First and foremost, in order to wield the Blades of Chaos, one has to permanently sear the weapons onto their forearms. Now, we may fancy ourselves pretty tough, but having massively heavy, chained blades branded into our bodies doesn't sound particularly enjoyable, and one can only imagine the pain you'd feel with each and every swing. On top of that, the blades — being imbued with fire — are probably hotter than Hell, and we're not sure we'd want to carry around red-hot chunks of metal everywhere we go.

If using epic blades mean we have to keep red-hot chains attached to our flesh forever, we'd rather pass. A simple Swiss Army knife should do.

PS20 — Deus Ex

Covert stealth pistols are cool, right? Who doesn't want to infiltrate secret locations and dispose of bad guys with one lethal shot? However, if you fancy yourself the sneaky type, the PS20 is definitely not the stealth pistol you're looking for.

By design, the Deus Ex's PS20 is a plasma-based, easily-disposable weapon, intended to represent the next generation of stealth pistols. After using the PS20, it's clear that — if the smartphone-sized gun represents the next generation — we don't want to be around to see it. To put it plainly, the gun sucks. We mean, it really, really sucks. The weapon has one charge — after discharge, it becomes about as useful as that rusted old lighter sitting on your porch.

To make things even worse, firing the PS20 will, more often than not, damage yourself as well. Imagine sneaking up behind some James Bond-esque henchmen playing poker, pulling the trigger on your PS20, and causing minor-to-medium damage — at best — to everyone in the room, yourself included. Nobody knows who invented the PS20 — for their own sake, that's probably for the best, because this next-generation weapon is nothing more than a POS20.

Golden Gun — Goldeneye

One shot, one kill — that's the Golden Gun's claim to fame.

Gilden in pure gold, the Nintendo 64 classic first-person shooterGoldeneye's Golden Gun is the multiplayer fanatic's gun of choice — eliminating opposing players with a single shot to any part of their body. Who wouldn't want Francisco Scaramanga's legendary The Man with the Golden Gun weapon holstered at their hip? Well, us, for starters.

The problem with the Golden Gun isn't so much its impracticality, as it is the target it puts on your back. Yes, the gun is dangerously impractical, considering the nature of its high-risk/high-reward usage — housing only one bullet at a time, requiring a reload after each shot. Worse yet is that, like in Goldeneye's famous multiplayer modes, whoever holds the Golden Gun immediately becomes the target for everyone else. Nobody wants to get one-shot, so killing the man (or woman) with the golden gun becomes priority number one. In the real world, we'd prefer not to go through life with a giant "shoot me" sign taped to our backs — especially if we can only fire one bullet at a time! If you've got the Golden Gun, you'd better hope your aim is up to snuff.

Indeed, when it comes to Goldeneye weapons in real life, keep the Golden Gun away from us. We'd rather have a Klobb … well, maybe not a Klobb — but you get what we're saying.

Tactical Nuke — Call of Duty series

Some weapons we know suck in real life, and Call of Duty's tactical nuke is one such weapon.

Most famously known for its first appearance in Modern Warfare 2, the tactical nuke is a killstreak reward for reaching 25 kills without getting killed during that span. Those skillful enough to rack up such a killstreak in online play, are able to call in a tactical nuke strike. Once called in, a countdown timer appears on every player's screen, before engulfing the entire battlefield in white, nuclear light — eradicating everything. In the world of Modern Warfare 2, using a tactical nuke automatically awards the player and their team with a win.

In real life, however, nobody wins. For those who didn't pay attention in history class, upwards of 146,000 people were killed in Hiroshima, and upwards of 80,000 people were killed in Nagasaki, after the United States dropped nuclear bombs on the Japanese cities, near the closure of World War II — with around half of those deaths occurring on the day the bombs were dropped. Since then, nuclear bombs have represented the single greatest threat to human life — at least in terms of weaponized warfare. If you use a Tactical Nuke, yeah all your opponents will die, but so will you, thousands of innocents, and a whole bunch of plant and animal life.

While we can only speculate how most video games weapons might suck in real life, we can say with the utmost certainty that tactical nukes do, in fact, suck in real life.