Why it would suck to live on the Millennium Falcon

The Millennium Falcon: beau idéal of the Rebel Alliance fleet, legendary icon of the criminal underworld and all-round fastest hunk of junk in the galaxy. Life aboard the Falcon would be a life of excitement and danger, more than worthy of a place in the world's most beloved sci-fi saga. Who wouldn't want to call it home? Well, if you've got any sense, you wouldn't. It might feel tempting to hop aboard and begin living out your days as a devilish rogue or heroic starfighter, but you're probably better off keeping your feet on the ground.

You'll always be on the run

Let's start with that life of excitement you're about to plunge yourself into. Over the course of the Star Wars films, the Falcon is hunted, tracked, or attacked by an endless array of villains. The Empire wants it, the First Order wants it, Unkar Plutt and Kanjiklub and the Guavian Death Gang all want it, as do a number of bounty hunters who'd have no qualms tossing you out the airlock.

Now, you might argue that many of them were after the Falcon's crew more than the Falcon herself, but that doesn't change the fact that she's had countless owners over the years (such as Gannis Ducain, the Irvings, and Lando Calrissian), none of whom are going to care who's at the helm when they come for it. What with all the Falcon's unique modifications and upgrades, you're never going to be able to lie low, either. Every day will be spent looking over your shoulder, terrified that a previous owner will have finally caught up with you. Han managed it, sure, but you'e not Han, are you?

It's insanely unreliable

Congratulations: you've been tracked down by a gang of roaming bounty hunters who've got their eye on the Falcon, but, luckily, you slipped out of their grasp and made it off-world. All you need to do now is make the jump to lightspeed, and you're off, free and easy. Naturally, of course, this will be the moment the Falcon breaks down.

Basically the entire crux of Han and Leia's story in The Empire Strikes Back is the Falcon's unreliability, with her hyperdrive apparently being the most troublesome component. The main hyperdrive might make it one of the fastest ships in the galaxy, but once that fails — and it fails three times in Empire, by our count — you're stuck with the backup, which takes weeks to reach nearby systems. And if that goes, too? Well, let's just say you'd better hope someone comes to pick you up.

It's too cramped

During the course of the films, the Falcon tends to have an average crew of five or six people, including droids. According to Disney's official cross-section of the Falcon, she's got a grand total of two rooms, discounting the cockpit and cargo holds, and they aren't very big. Not exactly what you'd call breathing room, is it? And that's not even going into the sleeping situation.

There are four beds in total, two in each room, so don't expect any privacy here. One of those was only added after Gannis Ducain took the ship, post-Return of the Jedi. If you're living onboard prior to that movie, that makes three beds. In A New Hope, the ship carried Han, Chewie, Luke, and Obi-Wan to Alderaan. Presumably, somebody had to sleep on the floor or the couch. This is not the way you want to live.

The bathroom sucks

Notice anything missing in that video above? The Falcon's crew quarters are completely neglected by the films themselves. Disney's cross-section of the Falcon details the ship's "quarters" and its entire one bathroom. It is roughly the size of a phone booth. It's also, you might notice, situated right next to the kitchen (which we'll discuss in a moment) because apparently the legendary Captain Solo has no sense of basic hygiene.

Speaking of hygiene, there doesn't seem to be enough room for a shower in there, which isn't going to make those long journeys on the backup hyperdrive fun — especially if you're sleeping on the floor. Maybe the Star Wars movies never go into detail about these aspects of life aboard the Falcon because it would be incredibly depressing to realize that Han, Leia, Luke, Chewie, Finn, Rey, and all the rest probably stink to high heaven.

The kitchen is ... tricky

Okay, the galley. According to the cross-section, it was added as a wedding gift from Han to Leia well after the events of Return of the Jedi. Two problems can be inferred from this. First, anyone living on the Falcon before the end of the original trilogy was stuck with cold sandwiches and canned food (or whatever the space equivalent is) until you next reach an inhabited planet. No kitchen means no hot food means no fun.

If you're living on the Falcon around the sequel trilogy era, you have that sweet galley to utilize, which means better, hotter food. Before you go firing up the grill, however, ask yourself this: do you really, honestly feel comfortable using a kitchen that a guy bought for his wife as his wedding gift? The whole thing reeks of misogyny. You know what happens when you enable Han "Traditional Family Values" Solo? Kylo Ren. Kylo Ren is what happens.

It might decide to spontaneously gas you to death

In The Force Awakens, Rey, Finn, and BB-8 steal the Falcon from Jakku to escape the First Order. Before long, however, their lives are put at risk thanks to a severe lack of hyperdrive maintenance in previous years, when the ship was in the possession of Unkar Plutt. This causes an energy flux in the motivator. That equals chain reaction which equals ship flooded with poison gas.

Rey manages to fix the fault, but you're not Rey, are you? Unless you can maintain and fix a hyperdrive yourself on the fly (and you probably can't), it isn't going to be too long until something catastrophic goes wrong and the Falcon itself turns against you. And that's not even going into all the other problems that'll crop up as a result of age, damage, or insufficient maintenance. Who knows what could happen next?

There's no telling what's on board

It may have begun life as a freighter, but the Falcon has spent most of its days as part of the galaxy's criminal underworld. Its owners have included a renowned smuggler, a gambler, a shady junk dealer, a gunrunner, and two gangsters. It is, put simply, a fairly disreputable vessel.

If the Star Wars films have taught us anything about the Falcon, it's that she's filled with countless hatches, hideaways, and holes that are used by its owners to keep illicit cargo under the radar. Considering how quickly and easily the ship changes hands, there's simply no way to know if all of the previous owner's "belongings" have been removed from the ship. As a result, you're never going to know if you're unknowingly transporting weapons, drugs (and yes, drugs are a thing in Star Wars), secret Death Star plans, or even human beings. Oh, and anyone who's ever played Knights of the Old Republic will be able to tell you just how frustrating it is to get loose animals off a spaceship. If you're taking hold of the Falcon, you'd best hope she's clean.

It's boring

So you don't really have anywhere to go aboard the Falcon, but you can still lounge around. Well, even in those cramped little rooms you're going to find yourself twiddling your thumbs. Apart from actually flying the ship, the only "fun" thing you can spend your time doing appears to be the dejarik table in the communal space. Dejarik, by the way, is a chess-like game which is apparently so utterly tedious to play that, according to an Easter egg in The Force Awakens, not a single person used the board over the three or four decades between A New Hope and The Force Awakens.

Other than that, your entertainment options are limited to repairing things, cooking things (no wonder Han got Leia the kitchen), and getting shot by that little floating droid thing Luke practices being a Jedi with. Awesome.

The ship will sass you at every opportunity

If you think your duties aboard the Falcon end at repairing, maintaining, and flying her, well, you're wrong — you also get to deal with the ship's primary computer. The computer was made from the droid brains of an astromech droid, a slicer droid, and a transport droid, and, according to one diagram, it's managed to develop quite the attitude over the years. As a result, the Falcon is as snippy and sarcastic as an astromech that's gone too long without a memory wipe — a good comparison being R2-D2.

Now, you might like R2, of course, but that doesn't mean R2 likes you. Having a ship with that much "personality" will get tiresome pretty quickly, unless you have a droid along to talk to it for you. Of course, that droid will probably have an attitude, too. There's no winning.

It doesn't even look that cool

Let's not kid ourselves, here. The Falcon may be fast, strong, and full of surprises, but it's not exactly flash. Even if it was in a good condition, Corellian freighters look like little more than giant floating satellite dishes. Frankly, they look exactly how you'd expect a spaceship designed for pushing cargo around to look, and that's not good.

Compare and contrast the sleek, shiny Nubian yacht, the intimidating grandeur of the Imperial Star Destroyer, or even the timeless, undeniable awesomeness of the X-wing. If you've got any sense of style or shame, you're probably going to peer out of the Falcon's cockpit window at least once, see somebody else's colorful, badass fighter and — just for one moment — feel a twinge of jealousy surging through you. And then you'd be spontaneously gassed to death because you got distracted and didn't fix your ship in time.