Secrets Disney World doesn't want you to know

Disney World is a happy, happy place, but that doesn't mean there aren't has dozens and dozens of secrets that they don't want you to know. So, despite us now risking a small mouse slipping into our rooms with cyanide in the middle of the night, we're going to reveal them all to you! You lucky dog.

Gay Days

No, we're not talking about days at Disney that are particularly happy. That's all of them! No, we're talking about Gay Days, a week where gay people — mainly dudes — go to Magic Kingdom, wearing red, and just doing Disney stuff like everyone else there. It doesn't turn into a hotbed of sex and fornication as a lot of, well, terrible people might think — it's just a fun week of rides, food, fun, and gushing over Cinderella's fabulous new haircut.

Despite the fact that it's not harming Disney in the least, the company has long maintained complete radio silence about Gay Days, not encouraging it and not fighting it, just … well, suffering it quietly. But now you know! So all you Birdcagers out there, get your red shirts on and go to Disney May 30 through June 5th! Have fun!

People have died there

The Happiest Place on Earth is also apparently the happiest place to die — like, a lot of people have croaked at Disney World. And, keeping with the beauty and wonder of the park, all of them have died in really magical ways! For examples, a kid was dragged into a lake by an alligator, a kid was crushed by a bus, and a character was crushed by an "It's a Small World" float. People have died from roller coasters, rotating stages, and even just from falling. So OK, when we said "magical," we meant "totally tragic and now we need a hug." Our bad.

Who knew that, if you built one of the most populous parks in the world, jam packed with automated machines that whip people around, in a state filled with deadly animals, that some bad things might happen! Weird, that. Now, we're not saying that if you go to Disney World you'll definitely die — all we're saying is you might walk past the spot where someone met their tragic end. Can you imagine how horrible it must've been to die listening to It's a Small World over and over? Hell would be a relief.

People scatter dead people's ashes in the Haunted Mansion ... all the time

If you've never been to the Haunted Mansion ride … so it. It's awesome. Stop being weird. But for now, we'll quickly describe it to you. It's a big building filled with ghosts. 999 ghosts in fact, fill the walls, jumping around, singing, dancing, and scaring people. It's pretty freaking awesome.

So awesome, in fact, that some people don't want to leave it, even when they've died. That's right — some people have put it in their wills that their ashes be scattered at a Disney attraction, namely this one. Seriously? Think about the logistics. You have to get past airport security, then Disney security, get on a ride, take the ashes out, and then carefully scatter them while on the ride. Isn't that a bit, you know, much?

Well, you might think so, but the sad truth is that this peculiar choice of funeral is so popular, Disney employees have to be on a constant lookout to make sure ol' Grandma Ashebones isn't ashing it up next to a vacationing toddler. You wouldn't want your child's first memory to be coughing up ashes, would you?

There are remains of unfinished and abandoned Disney parks

Not even Disney can win all the time. For example, some of their parks work okay for awhile and then get closed down. Some make it halfway before falling apart. Some never really get off te ground at all! But all of those failures have not, for some reason, gotten torn down. This means that if you — and we do not recommend this — feel like breaking the law — again, we're not saying you should — you can explore all the broken-down Disney parks themselves.

Although, when you get to one, you need to be careful. Yeah, one of them was closed due to that most heinous of water theme park enemies… death. See, Florida isn't actually a great place to go for a swim. Disney's River Country, for some reason, decided that didn't matter, and built a water park filled with local water. This water, by the way, contained a bacteria so strong someone died from ingesting it. That's … the opposite of magical.

That park was closed and has remained closed ever since — not torn down, not recycled, just … still, a monument to the foolishness of man, who in attempting to usurp God, becomes their own destroyer. That's actually a pretty Disney story, if you think about it. After all, isn't that what The Sorcerer's Apprentice is about?

Tourists and workers are having sex there

You might remember having a crush on the Disney Princesses or Disney Princes, and that's because the Disney royalty are kinda really, really, really hot. To get people who look like them, Disney has to hire actors and actresses who are also really hot. What happens when you stuff a bunch of really hot people together, and make them work all the time half-dressed? Sex is what happens.

There's also a bunch of other naughty stuff, including people having to keep an eye out for people doing the naughty on rides. Hell, Splash Mountain had such a problem with flashers, there's a website devoted to it called Flash Mountain. (We won't link to it, find it yourself, unless you're at work.)

Disney: the happiest place on Earth, with the happiest endings on Earth! Everyone's getting busy as mice.

You have to pay to be in their college program upfront and the entire time you're in it

How much do you want to work for Disney? How badly would you love to live in apartments right next to it, work there, and make friends at the Happiest Place on Earth? Do you want a job like that so much you'd pay for it? Well, Disney's got just the program for you, gang! See, nothing is free there, like New York City but more cutthroat. Yes, to be in the college worker program, you need to pay money, despite how the entire program is just you working a minimum wage job and paying most of the money back to Disney to cover your apartment costs. It's the only thing that makes an unpaid internship seem like a fine deal.

The costumed characters' lives are hell, and they almost get heat stroke

Imagine you live in Central Florida. That means that a hot summer day can easily break the 100-degree barrier, but you're used to it. So used to it, in fact, you can work reasonably well in it. Nothing seems like it would be too much for you. You're Florida tough!.

You know what you probably wouldn't want to do, though, even then? You probably wouldn't want to have a minimum wage job wearing a literal giant fur costume and parading around children, that's what! Even if you did, you'd want to be able to take your costume off at some point and take a break to breathe anything but smoking hot air. But, alas, this is Disney, where the happiness felt by the guests is exactly equal to the sweat shed by the cast (which is what Disney calls their employees because, if you haven't gotten it by now, Disney is freaking weird). So don't remove your damn head, lest you traumatize Buzz Lightyear's biggest fan. Though we're pretty sure Buzz dropping dead from heat stroke would accomplish that anyway.

Also, if you're backstage, you still can't take off your costume, just the head. What if a kid hops backstage, after all? You have time to slap your head back on, but that'd be about it. While there's at least AC back there, you're still in a giant fur costume. Oh, and after a small break, it's time to go back out again! Yay, so magical.

Disney employees molested kids while dressed as the characters ... while working in the park

There're a lot of things good about Disney — getting molested isn't one of them. Yeah, a costumed Tigger molested thirteen-year-old children, and no one knows exactly how many before he was caught. But after he was, more reports came flooding in, because not even a literal fantasy world is safe from the horrors of mankind. But it's not just one mosnter — over the course of ten years, thirty-five Disney World employees were arrested for sex crimes involving children. Ten years. Thirty-five employees. Geez.

They hide Mickeys everywhere, then sell "How to find Hidden Mickeys" books

So here's something Disney is all for people knowing: around the parks, there are dozens and dozens of hidden Mickey heads. Since it's a relatively easy shape to make (it's literally three circles), it can be hidden anywhere — in lakes, in the formation of parking lots and only visible from above, in Disney rides, maybe even in the cheese of your pizza. Part of the weird joy of being a repeat Disney World customer (errr… guest) is trying to spot all of them.

Of course, you can always cheat! This is the part, by the way, that Disney doesn't advertise. See, there are actually guides to the Hidden Mickeys. You can buy what're basically real-life cheat codes that let you find all of them. Oh, and Disney publishes these books. Now, we're not saying this entire thing is a money-making scheme — get people addicted to finding Hidden Mickeys, then sell them the guide, like a real-world freeware game — but … well … *gestures at the rest of this entry*

There are dozens of secret code words for lots of gross stuff

Disney employees are definitely aware of all the terrible things happening under their watch, but they can't exactly discuss them publicly without alarming guests, so what do they do? Easy! The employees have secret code words and phrases used to communicate!

For instance, Code 101 and Code 102 mean a ride is closed. That's pretty benign. But "white powder alert" means someone's trying to spread ashes, which is amazing. We want our ashes scattered there just so someone will scream what is also a codeword for anthrax in a busy Disney World park. Code V stands for, guess what? It rhymes with Wallace and GROMIT. The there's "Kiss Goodnight," which is the signal to play "When You Wish Upon A Star" and start shooing people out of the park, cuz it's closing time and Woody's got to get back to his toy box.

There's a bunch of other code words, but not all of them are known. But now, with your small list, you can sound like an insider smarty next time you go to Disney. Heck, just make up meanings if you want. We won't tell.

Secret underground tunnels

Deep in the bowels of the Earth lies a deep Disney secret, but it isn't dark and disturbing. It's actually kinda bland and non-magical. But it's also absolutely necessary for the park to operate: tunnels.

See, what you might not actually know is that, when you go to Disney World, you're actually going to the second story of the park. The first is all underground, in the tunnels. See, because Florida is literally just a swamp it can't have anything built into the ground. No basements or the like. However, Disney characters and cast members need a way to get around and pick up trash and greet people without just walking in front of everyone all the time. So when Disney World was built, the utilidors — that's their fancy name for the tunnels underneath Disney — were created, and then the rest of Disney was built on top of them. The utilidors are basically the foundation of all of Disney! And Disney keeps them well hidden. Or, well, tries to keep them hidden. You can see a grainy, horribly filmed view of the utilidors in the video above.

An entire unauthorized film was made there (and later released!)

If you wanted to severely tick Disney off in a way that wasn't morally reprehensible, what would you do? If your answer isn't, "illegally make a film about Disney is evil, and film the entire thing at Disney without permission, without letting anyone know, and then release it despite Disney fighting you the whole way," then, well, you're just a poseur.

Yes, Escape from Tomorrow, a movie about a huge conspiracy of evil at Disney (or just a man slowly going insane as he takes a trip at Disney with his family, either or) is a real thing that actually exists. Almost the entire film was made at Disney World, while he and his small cast and crew stayed there, filming in secret. It was pretty easy, because dang near everyone has a camera permanently glued to their faces once they enter the park.

For awhile it seemed like Disney was going to sue, and they almost certainly would've won. But then, they just stopped talking about it. Some people believe that was to avoid drawing undue attention to it — after all, it was a small black-and-white horror flick — and after awhile, all the attention seemed to die out. Until we brought it back, right now. You're welcome, Disney.