Pizza Hut Triple Treat: For People Who Hate Themselves

There are easier ways to kill yourself, but guns have a waiting period and the toaster cord won't always reach the tub. What do you do when you just can't take it anymore right now? Call Pizza Hut.

pizza-hutPizza Hut has revealed the Triple Treat, which is exactly what it almost sounds like: a threat to yourself, to reasonable food, to the already weak American healthcare system, and to your undying soul. The Triple Treat consists of two one-topping pizzas (medium size), a nearly pizza-sized cookie, and some breadsticks. It's intended to feed a whole family, but let's not fool ourselves.

Fact: any pizza with less than two toppings is basically just half a grilled cheese sandwich and you should be ashamed of yourself. Additionally, a medium pizza is a state of pizza that simply shouldn't exist. It's the middle child of the pizza family that's overlooked because it accomplishes nothing; it neither impresses with its ability to feed an entire family or inability to fit through a doorway, nor satisfies the hunger of a healthy individual.

On a purely economical level, two medium pizzas for $20 take up 1.58 square feet of pizza real estate at $12.65 per square foot, while one large pizza occupies a satisfying 1.07 cheesy square feet for $14.49, at $13.54 per square foot. Sure, it seems to make more sense to purchase two medium pizzas based on cost per pizza footage, but if they're one-topping pizzas, you may as well just be buying roadkill and running face-first into a brick wall.

The Pizza Hut Obesity Challenge Box starts at $19.99, but just like an app, you'll be charged for a hundred microtransactions along the way if you'd like stuffed crust, any additional toppings, or respect. But for a scant $20, you can disappoint your whole family with a couple of puny spinach pizzas with a honey Sriracha drizzle, because apparently that whole Sriracha thing isn't over yet.

[Via Mashable]