The Most Wonderfully Absurd Song Lyrics About Chuck Norris Ever Written

Though the man has died, the memes live on. When multiple martial arts black-belt holder, action star extraordinaire, and everyone's favorite Texas Ranger, Chuck "kills two stones with one bird" Norris, died on March 19, he left behind a legacy of tough-guy coolness and a litany of one-liner jokes. He also left behind a slew of songs with absurdly glorious lyrics memorializing his role as cultural icon and all-around strong, punchy man of conquest and victory. 

Not all of the songs about Norris feature ridiculous lyrics, though. A track like "What Would Chuck Norris Do?" by Attila has one grammatically funny line, "Discoordination will make the last of you," but otherwise isn't too strange or extra. "Chuck Norris" by DeusGod namedrops Norris, but otherwise contains lyrics that we really can't write here. "Chuck Norris" by F. Costa is less unrepeatable, but really just spams a bunch of recognizable names, Norris included. "Chuck Norris" by Anton Wick (another creative title) is largely lyricless. All in all, things are actually less wacky on the Norris-themed song front than on the jokey meme front. 

That being said, absurdity does exist in Norris-themed music land. From old-school "Epic Rap Battles of History" circa YouTube's early days to a recent song drafted in the wake of Norris' death, here are some of the most absurd lyrics we could find.

We've all seen clips from Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee's fight in the Colosseum in 1972's "The Way of the Dragon," right? How about if the two combatants joined hands and moved to Rome to write some raps about the times and also "diplomacy with China and these rhymes"? Listen, the lyrics to "Chuck Norris" by Serengeti don't really make sense, especially lines like, "I kick that tortoise shell / And oracle bone language" and "Black suspenders breaking shackles in the black hole / With long legged kicks." Um, sure. Sounds like a kick-ass tribute to Chuck to us.

You know military cadences? Those call-and-response marching things that stereotypically go, "Sound-off; one, two / Sound-off; three, four." How about a Chuck Norris homage cadence about "the bearded ninja / Alone upon the hill" who's really good at killing people. Also, "Chuck is not a surgeon / But he knows some tricks," like his fists being the "quickest way to a man's heart." This cadence comes to us from one Jonathan Michael Fleming, who, judging by his product-laden website, is not currently a member of the military. His cadence's lyrics are a bit much, but that's why they fit the bill.

Chuck Norris wasn't just a martial artist, but an aspirational inner concept that lives in each of us, as Laura Michelle's pop-rock track "Chuck Norris" says. So unleash your inner Chuck, or as Michelle sings, "I'm never awkward when I talk / The words just come to me so easily / I'm cooking gourmet meals with sex appeal / And I don't need a recipe." Sure, this is a far cry from roundhouses to the face, but everyone has their own problems, right? That's why Chuck lives in each of us, ready to punch out of our chests and cook us a sexy dinner. Or something. 

"Chuck Norris Is a Strong Individual" definitely wins our "absurd because it's so on-the-nose" lyrics award. It's just one track out of 92 from Papa Razzi and the Photogs' lengthy 2014 album, "These Are the Songs I Made This Week," full of one-minute songs about celebrities. It's weird — like, photos on a stalker's shrine in the bedroom weird. Lyrics include, "Chuck Norris, you're so good at your karate kicks / And fighting people in your movies or TV show," and, "Your name is, yeah, Chuck Norris / You're wonderful and nice and I like you." Can't argue with that.

For one line alone, "Some say he was the king of the bees, but this man is an A-lister to me," the very directly titled "A Dedication Song to Chuck Norris" by Lance S A Nielsen (at least the lyrics) makes our list. Maybe it's actually "king of Bs"; we're not sure, because the exact lyrics aren't written online anyway at the time of writing. But regardless, the song is apparently meant to be a heartfelt tribute to Norris, no matter how unintentionally comical. Other stand-out lines include "With video rentals / One man would always save the day," and, "Now you've got to work for the Lord" (speaking of Norris' afterlife, we assume).

Internet OGs know about "Epic Rap Battles of History" (we assume), which pit two historical (or sometimes not) figures against each other in a rap battle. Way back in 2010, "Epic Rap Battles of History" brought us Abraham Lincoln versus Chuck Norris, which included Norris-rapped lines like, "For I invented rap music when my heart started beating," and, "My fists make the speed of light wish that it was faster / You may have freed the slaves, but Chuck is everyone's master." You can't get more chuckle-worthy and absurd than that.