Really Bizarre Climate Change Side Effects

By now everyone has heard the apocalyptic predictions: Sea level rise, killer storms, vanishing coastlines, starvation, and people in stupid-looking wigs watching teenagers kill each other on live TV over food. There's little doubt that climate change will have a catastrophic impact on the world and the way we live our lives, and the changing climate might even have something to do with whether we get to continue living at all. 

But climate change isn't just going to alter our world in big ways. It's already changing our world in little ways, and some of those little changes are really, really bizarre. So for your children's sake, worry about sea level rise and famine in the not-so-distant future, but in the meantime, don't walk under a tree on a cold day in Florida because you might get hit in the head by a frozen iguana. Right — it's just that weird.

It's no secret that climate change will dramatically alter the landscape. As the planet warms, forests will creep north, and vegetation will grow in places like the once-frozen tundra. When that happens, species that were confined to southerly habitats will move north, too, where they will encounter similar species, and then there will be romance.

Actually, this is already happening. In New England, an up-and-comer hybrid called the Eastern coyote is thriving. According to the New York Times, Eastern coyotes (also called "coywolves") are only about two-thirds coyote — one-fourth of their lineage comes from wolves, and the rest is dog. The resulting animal is around 40 percent larger than a regular coyote, hunts in packs, and is better adapted to killing New England deer.

Hybridization is becoming more common as the planet warms. "Grolar bears" are a hybrid of polar bears and grizzlies, and there's also the blynx (bobcat plus Canadian lynx), a flying squirrel hybrid, shark hybrids, and even a cross between the Antarctic blue whale and a smaller pygmy whale. It sounds crazy, but consider this: Many humans are also hybrids. One theory is that humans left Africa and encountered Neanderthals in Europe, interbred with them, and then went on to be part of the most successful species ever. So it's too early to predict what effect climate-driven hybridization will actually have on the world we live in.

Bats are flying rabies factories, but they're still an important part of the ecosystem. Or so we're told. There's definitely room for skepticism because, you know, rabies. Still, even flying rabies factories don't deserve to be boiled alive, and that's exactly what's happening in some parts of the world — and it's not because sadistic humans are preparing them for dinner. These fruit bats are literally just falling out of the trees, dead.

In early January 2018 — midsummer in the southern hemisphere — a colony of fruit bats started dying in the unusually hot temperatures. Four hundred of them were found dead under the trees where they roost, but that's really nothing compared to the summer of 2014, when National Geographic says an estimated 45,000 fruit bats died from overheating. One conservationist described it as "kind of boiling in their bodies."

It's not much of a stretch to imagine that a warming climate will make incidents like this more common, unless the bats find a way to move on to cooler, southern regions, where they'll interbreed with penguins to form a new species of flying batguins. Just kidding.

Santa Claus lives at the North Pole, and everyone knows that the Easter Bunny lives on Easter Island. Maybe. Actually that's never been established, but whatever. Easter Bunny or no, The Canadian Broadcast Corporation recently reported that Easter Island — home of those super weird giant stone heads and other super weird dudes with rock hats on their heads — is at risk from climate-related sea-level rise.

Easter Island has some low-lying sites, and that's where many of the giant statues (called moai) are located. "There's a prediction that depending on what sea level rises do, that those [statues] could disappear in a catastrophic event, totally," said archaeologist and climate change specialist Jane Downes.

Most of the nearly 1,000 moai on Easter Island are located close to the water, which means some of them are already falling into the sea. And everyone knows Easter eggs and falling rock don't get along very well, so not only are we losing priceless historical objects, but the Easter bunny will have to find a new burrow. Shame.

Summer barbecues are a great American tradition, but climate change is going to make them a lot more unpleasant, and not just because it will be so hot outside that no one will really want to spend an afternoon standing next to a grill. 

Ticks can carry Lyme disease, which is an awful, sometimes chronic illness. If that weren't bad enough, now there's a particular sort of tick that, thanks to climate change, is expanding its range from the eastern half of the United States. It's called the lone star tick, and the good news is that a bite from one won't give you Lyme disease. The bad news is lone star ticks can be fatal or can give you a red meat allergy. That's right, according to the Chicago Tribune, after you're bitten by the lone star tick, you may no longer be able to eat beef or pork.

Worse, this particular tick bite side effect is so new that no one has any idea if your allergy will be permanent, so it's possible that your summer barbecues will be limited to chicken and salmon burgers forevermore. Time to move to Canada.

Some of the more apocalyptic climate change predictions say there will be worldwide famine, which should be terrifying enough, but there's also the distinct possibility that in the midst of rebel uprisings against Savemart and all of us supplementing our diets with canned dog food, many of our remaining crops will actually become toxic. According to a United Nations report, staple crops like wheat and corn are actually producing toxins as a defense mechanism against the extreme heat. Those toxins can cause neurological disorders, and long-term consumption may lead to cancer.

Here's how the science works: In dry weather, plants hang onto the nitrates they would otherwise be using to produce proteins and amino acids. When humans eat nitrates, they interfere with the blood's ability to move oxygen around in the body. On the other hand, when extremely wet weather happens, plants accumulate hydrogen cyanide, which is exactly as terrifying as it sounds. High concentrations of hydrogen cyanide will kill you in a couple minutes. But don't worry, there's always canned dog food.

So far no one is predicting an actual zombie apocalypse once global climate change really starts wreaking havoc on the world. Yes, that's disappointing, but it's early days yet. What they are predicting is that the fungus that creates little miniature zombies will become more insidious.

According to Wired, a species of fungus called Ophiocordyceps basically infiltrates ant colonies and turns them all into zombies. The zombie ants then do the bidding of the fungus. The army of zombie ants leave the ant hill, stagger to the top of whatever tree happens to be just above the colony where all their non-zombie pals live, bite down on the veins of some leaves, and then die horribly as fungus stalks grow out of their heads. The stalks then drop spores onto the colony, thus repeating the whole horror movie scenario over and over again.

So what does climate change have to do with all this? Some versions of this fungus, which live in places where the trees drop their leaves in the fall, have evolved to make the ants bite down on twigs instead of leaves. Scientists think this adaptation evolved during climate change episodes of the past, which means new adaptations could evolve as our climate changes again. Who knows what the future holds for this inventive little fungus.

All this horror pales in comparison to the real threat to humanity — the pending extinction of chocolate. So in a way, all the zombies, sharks, toxic food, and waters full of green sludge don't really matter.

According to Business Insider, chocolate could be gone by 2057. Cacao, the plant used to make chocolate, only grows in a very narrow strip of land just 20 degrees north and 20 degrees south of the equator. But thanks to climate change, unseasonably dry, warm temperatures in that part of the world could end the whole industry.

Fortunately, Mars — the company that makes Snickers and lots of other chocolate things — is pledging a ton of money to the development of a genetically altered cacao plant, one that can withstand the heat and dry conditions. Sure, other climate-related issues are important, but dear scientists, let's put this one on the top of the list, okay?