10 scientific effects that happen when a man grows a beard

As you've probably noticed by now, beards are in. These days, the scruffy look once reserved for mountain men, lumberjacks, and hippies can be seen everywhere from billboards to fashion runways to business conferences. Don't believe those occasional headlines proclaiming that the end of the bearded era is nigh: while fashion always moves in trends, beards aren't going anywhere, anytime soon.

Ask anyone who has ever bearded up, and they'll tell you that life changes once you embrace your inner werewolf. People look at you differently. You feel different. As a whole, the impact that a beard has upon a person's life is way bigger than you might think, and to back that up, here are some scientific studies that have been done on beards — many of which, one would assume, may have been conducted by bearded men. Here's what happens when you grow a beard.

Hey, you've only got a short time left on this Earth, and do you really want to spend 3,350 hours of it standing in front of a mirror, scraping sharp metal against your cheeks? Didn't think so. Lest you claim that this whole "3,350 hours" business was pulled out of thin air, that number actually comes from the New York Times, and it's a fair estimate for how long the average man spends shaving during his lifetime. No matter how hard, how often, or how aggressively you shave, your bristles will grow back a little every day. Now zoom in one all those little facial hairs and picture them as a forest of tree trunks: The perpetual act of chopping them down, day after day, seems like a lumberjack's endless existential nightmare.

Strange visions aside, the fact is that kicking shaving to the curb will restore over 3,000 hours to your life, so you can finally take on that project you've been dreaming of. Or at the very least, you can watch some more TV.

Guys who live in wintry climates always seem to sprout bushy beards, and that's because having that extra layer of insulation does exactly what you think it would. According to Anthony M. Rossi, a dermatologist interviewed by the Wall Street Journal, wintertime beards are essentially all-natural scarves. According to Popular Science, these hairy scarves keep the skin underneath 1 degree warmer than it is in unguarded areas, which might sound small but definitely makes a big difference. Some researchers have even proposed that the entire evolutionary purpose of the beard was to keep the face warm, though if this was the case, it makes you wonder why most women don't also have beards.

Either way, if you ever decide to sign up for a seasonal job in Antarctica, or are simply terrified of making it through your next New England winter, it's probably time to grow out some thick whiskers.

The whole "poopy beards" scare of 2015 will not be forgotten anytime soon, but for those who missed it, that year saw headlines blow up about a so-called "study" claiming beards carried more fecal particles than a toilet bowl. Gross, right? Thankfully, Snopes points out that this "research" consisted of merely a couple guys giving some beard swaps to a lab, with one microbiologist's comments being taken wildly out of context. So don't worry, beardos: the whole thing was basically an attempt to slander beards, probably by some patchy-stubbled dudes with a bone to pick. Don't believe the haters: Beards aren't dripping with horribly infectious germs. (You do have to clean them regularly, of course.)

In fact, the opposite is true. A study published by the Journal of Hospital Infection took samples from 408 male hospital workers, both with and without beards. It goes without saying that health care employees get exposed to some nasty viruses, but according to the Independent, it was found that clean-shaven faces were three times more likely to be carrying MRSA — yikes! — than hairy ones. This may be because shaving creates micro-abrasions in the skin, and these little cuts become perfect bacterial breeding zones.

On the other hand, the study also found that beards might contain a type of bacteria-killing-bacteria which could potentially be developed into powerful new antibiotics. The future is bright and bearded.

The best time to have a huge, bushy beard would probably be in November, when embracing your inner Wolverine will both help raise cancer awareness and impress all your fellow No Shave November pals. Apparently nature didn't get the memo, though. A study published by the British Journal of Dermatology tracked the facial hair growth of 14 men in the United Kingdom, ages 18-39, for about 18 months. Researchers found beard growth tended to peak in the late summer, particularly August and September, and then steadily slowed down over the succeeding months, reaching its most molasses-like pace in January and February. (Apparently the growth rate of thigh hair showed a similar pattern, if you were curious.)

Really, it's hard to blame those poor little hairs for hiding away in the skin during those months. When heating the house costs thousands and the car is buried in snow drifts, who wants to go outside?

Having a beard or being clean-shaven isn't like flicking a light switch. If you possess the Y chromosome, then nature almost certainly wants you to have a beard, and getting rid of it requires frequent dalliances with a painfully sharp blade. The tragic result of this, according to GQ, is ingrown hairs, bumps, and skin irritation. So if you hate ingrown hairs, stop shaving, and they'll be a thing of the past.

While most people who shave experience some degree of irritation, the frequency and severity of this problem depends on your skin and hair type (and also your shaving skill). As Vox points out, this is the problem with workplace beard bans, since they marginalize men who possess thicker, curlier types of facial hair. Dealing with ingrown hairs is bad enough, but for many men, frequent shaving can also cause permanent scarring, razor bumps, dark marks, and even infections.