Elf On The Shelf Ideas That Only Adults Will Understand

He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. But be good to him, for goodness sake, or he just might cut your brakes. We're talking of course, about the Elf on the Shelf, the most thinly veiled wolf in sheep's clothing that money can buy.

Some people love the guy. For them, it is too late. For the lucky few who have been living under a rock — one of the few remaining safe havens for non-"Shelfies" — here's what you need to know. Elf on the Shelf is a social virus ... er ... viral social media star and pose-able doll who has garnered traction in the late 2000's as the holiday "it" toy after being spotted by paparazzi in the arms of Jennifer Garner. Now it's a beloved, photogenic star willing to pose in any position which will get it more Insta likes. It is living the American dream.

Kids love it because it's cute, and parents love it because it's marketed as a "disciplinary tool." According to Vox, the elf makes its intentions very plain in The Elf on the Shelf book: "'I watch and report on all that you do!" the elf warns ... adding that "the word will get out if you broke a rule.'" But Elf on the Shelf breaks rules too, in ways only adults will understand. Here's proof.

An elf in favor of S.P.E.W.

Don't tell the kids that it's not milk and cookies this elf is hacking up. From the looks of things, this shelf denizen is going to be putting the "elf" in "twelfth step." Or maybe he's just seen one too many "naughty" things, but either way, Santa's not going to be very happy with his report. But any kid that does understand what's going on here has far bigger problems than a lump of coal.

The elves better keep a close eye on this guy to ensure he doesn't start stripteasing on the North Pole. 

Great balls of fire

The scene here isn't very subtle at first glance. It appears to imply that this Christmas elf is filling mini booze bottles with liquid diarrhea. At least that's what a kid would think.

But like a Mandelbrot sequence, the more you stare, the more layers you find. Is it tongue-in-cheek commentary on the quality of Fireball Whiskey? Is it an imaginative fan fiction on the origins of everyone's favorite cinnamon liquor?

Deeper still, what if it's not going out at all — but going in? Is this elf shamefully butt-chugging Fireball? Is he doing a cleanse? If you can wrench his hands from his face and see through the shame in his gaze — you just might be able to find out. 

Squeezing the lemon with glee

Here's a new spin on a classic "naughty" Christmas trope — yellow snow. Rather than pouring a little canola oil into a pile of baking soda, this enterprising owner of elf and shelf thought it would be best to take a more summery approach, implying that this elf's urine is a nice refreshing beverage sold by children. 

While the elf gets credit for being a regular Warren Buffett, capitalizing on every opportunity to build wealth it can, it fails to realize that its profit margin is going to be very slim, and that it's going to have to fill a lot of glasses to make minimum wage. 

Let it snow

Cocaine references are some of the lowest hanging fruit for any would be EOTS naughtiness connoisseur. Find a little baking soda, sand or baby powder and your naughty elf will have a night to remember. Bundle it with alcoholism, and interspecies coitus, and you've got a veritable Sid Meier's Bundle Pack of holiday fun. From the looks of things, it appears our elf friend may be having second thoughts about what went down last night. But at least his years of practice wrapping things up paid off. 

Don't ask, don't tell

Come on man, there are some things best kept to your shelf!

Either you're picking up what this elf is putting down, or you are blissfully unaware. But even if you haven't checked Urban Dictionary, it's pretty obvious that mustache rides have nothing to do with transportation — unless you're heading to Pleasure Island. If you do happen to be seeking a trip Pleasure Island, consider this guy your "ticket to ride." Is it just us or can you see the pain in his eyes? 

He sled, she shed

Somebody call State Farm quick! Cheryl will have no trouble winning a handsome settlement from elven coffers with this cut and dry admission of guilt. Clearly toy making didn't hold the same charms as arson for this elf, but chances are he won't be whistlin' Dixie in the old hoosegow. Book 'em boys!

The old ball and cane

The elf has wrapped up something extra special here, and while an especially naive child may be blessed enough to see this as nothing more than the surreptitious presentation of a jagged candy cane pointing skyward, we all know the truth. We know what the candy cane represents. Unless this lad hastens to roast those chestnuts over an open fire, it may be the only toy he gets to play with on Christmas morning