Post-Credit Scenes That Weren't Worth The Extra Time
In an attempt to get you to stick around through the long, long credits, a bunch of filmmakers have started adding clever/funny/scary/interesting short scenes at the end. It's like a cherry on the top of a sundae that's turned upside down for some reason. But some of those cherry-scenes just plain don't work, because you're allergic to cherries, so you're choking and gagging and the whole experience is ruined.
Avengers: Age of Ultron
Remember when you saw Avengers and Thanos (the mean-looking purple space dude) turned around? Even if you aren't a Marvel superfan, you were probably jazzed — some creepy looking dude! He's purple! Looks scary. Something about courting death? Yeah, we're down. Then, Avengers: Age of Ultron came around. What awesome tease is director Joss Whedon going to give us this time, we wondered?
Oh ... Purple Space Man's going to pick up a glove, passive-aggressively? And that's it? Really? Look, Marvel, if all we wanted to see was a dude complaining about having to get out of his chair, we'd just visit our dad.
Prometheus
After about two hours of pseudo space philosophy, we finally get a look at this film's idea of a Xenomorph and ... we get that. Dear movie: we know what a Xenomorph looks like, and it's not one of the Jurassic Park raptors wearing an aerodynamic time trial helmet. This was more disappointing than being a kid and having your birthday candles blown out by the loose gas coming from the clown that just died on the table.
Terminator: Genisys
You've somehow sat through all of Terminator: Genisys. Your brain is aching from all the unsolvable questions you now have: who sent Arnie back? Why was Skynet a person? Will there ever be another good Terminator film? Then, we cut to the wreckage and reveal that Skynet's ... not really dead? Everything that happened in the entire movie was pointless? Then why even film it? That's like getting to the end of a terrible, over-priced meal and, as the first rumblings of food poisoning announce themselves, your waiter spits in your face.
The Grey
You came for a knock-down drag-out, no-holds barred, blood war between wolf and Neeson. What you got was a depressing contemplation on life, until finally the one scene you've wanted to see begins ... and ends before anything happens. Did Neeson win? Did the wolf? What happened?
Well, if you stay past the credits, all of your questions are ... still questions. No answers for you here, just a wolf and Neeson laying there. Is Neeson dead? Is the wolf dying? Are they now buddies, just relaxing and enjoying the winter air? Do you care anymore? Most likely not.
Cloverfield
Cloverfield is one of those movies that you either love, or hate so much you wish you could punch it in the face. Either way, your reward for watching the end credits is a small bit of static that, reversed, sorta sounds like someone saying, "It's still alive," but also doesn't sound like anything at all. Was this supposed to be a clever, sneaky way to hype a sequel? If so, there was no point. This is Hollywood we're talking about, where sequels are more prevalent than waiters who want to be actors. No need to get all creepy-cutesy staticy on us.
X-Men: Apocalypse
Do you know what the Essex Corporation is? Go find the geekiest member of your family and ask them. If they say yes, they're lying, because no one knows what the Essex Corporation is. And yet, here's a credits scene all about them! This wasn't an awesome Samuel L. Jackson cameo where you don't need to know who Nick Fury is to enjoy it. No, for this, you need to be the specific type of ultra-geek that goes, "Ah, yes, the Essex Corporation. Perchance Mister Sinister will be in an ensuing production," and then find that exciting! No one finds that exciting! Not even Mama Sinister.
Godzilla (1998)
After the excruciating torture that was watching a giant, badly rendered CGI lizard give birth in New York, all while blasphemously calling itself Godzilla, it finally ended. The mom, and all the babies, died in a fiery inferno. The film might not have been good, but at least we could all rejoice at this little bit of schadenfreude.
And then, the end credits came. We got ourselves a single "Godzilla" egg hatching, setting up a sequel that would never come, because this movie was too wretched for even sequel-obsessed Hollywood to dare a second. It was a small blessing, but a welcome one.
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Speaking of awful sequel teases, remember X-Men Origins: Wolverine? No? You drank and drank until the pain went away? That's fine, let us refresh you. At the end of X-Men Origins, Deadpool is seemingly dead and Wolverine takes off. We then cut to the end credits, and Deadpool's decapitated body picks up his own, still-living head! Which might have been cool if A) this Deadpool was anything like the actual Deadpool, in any way whatsoever, and B) we wouldn't have to wait almost a decade for an actual Deadpool movie!
Of course, once we did get Deadpool, it was a shot of unmitigated awesome! Well, at least until you got to that movie's credits scene ...
Deadpool
Sure, this kept pace with Deadpool's whole "breaking the fourth wall / look how clever I am" motif, but really? We already saw this scene, shot-for-shot, at the end of Ferris Bueller's Day Off and it wasn't even that clever there. Most of the film was epic, but this scene was more like how Epic/Date/SomethingElse Movie references a thing and makes that the joke, instead of writing a joke.
Now, if Matthew Broderick had made a super-surprise cameo, and then Deadpool killed him? Would we have 100% gotten behind that? Oh, yeah.