Luxurious Prisons Better Than Any Hotel You've Ever Stayed In

Norway is best known for not being Sweden. Its only real claim to fame seems to be that its pavilion in Disney's EPCOT hosts the Frozen ride. But it should be known for something else: having the coolest prisons in the entire world.

Yes, the prisons in Norway are sweeter than almost any five-star hotel, such as Halden Prison, which The Guardian called "the most humane prison in the world." Each room has a small TV, en-suite shower, and a window with a view. Basically, the only thing separating a prisoner's cell from a hotel room is the lock on the outside of the door. There are game areas for when you get bored, you can exercise outside, and there's even a rock-climbing wall, which already makes it nicer than any place we've ever stayed. Plus, as you might expect, there have been almost no fights in the prison's history.

So you're thinking Halden must be devoted to minimum-security offenders — people who illegally downloaded movies or jaywalked. No, this place actually holds some of Norway's worst offenders, such as rapists, serial killers, and pedophiles. The idea of such a lovely place for such nasty people is prisoner reform. Instead of sticking rotting souls in a dank dungeon, this place attempts to actually help the people inside its walls become better so that, when the time comes and they're released, they don't commit those crimes anymore. Although, to be honest, we're pretty sure there are at least some repeat offenders who only break the law so they can end up in such a ritzy place. We know we would.

On the outskirts of Leoben, a small town in Austria, there's a prison, the name of which paints a dark scene, the likes of which you'd see in an R-rated Academy Award winner: The Justice and Detention Center. Of course, since we're talking about it, the center is actually a lot nicer than the name sounds.

When you walk in, it appears more like a courthouse, or maybe a college. That's fitting since, aside from the whole not-being-able-to-leave part, it basically is a college — there's a gym, a dining room, shared kitchens, and you can even wear your own clothes, which makes it at least one step above most boarding schools.

Unlike some other comfy prisons, JCL wasn't designed to help rehabilitate prisoners. The reason behind this, according to its creator, was to preserve the prisoners' dignity, while everything else is secondary. Of course, not everyone agrees that prisoners have the right to, well, anything, and so such an opulent place has received tons of criticism from the global community. The Justice Center's response is, more or less, *blebphhhh*

Qincheng Prison is just outside of Beijing, and its where most of their former political leaders reside. Instead of being vindictive and putting all of them in a cell roughly the size of a shoebox and infested with rats, these prisoners — including the widow of former Chairman Mao Zedong — get to live the life of luxury. Or, you know, what passes for luxury when you're locked inside a prison for political reasons.

Qincheng features huge rooms, with desks, sofas, and even individual showers. Unfortunately, due to the high profile of the prisoners, we don't really have any pictures of the inside, so just think of the hotel room Macauley Culkin stays at in Home Alone 2, except with more Chinese people. In addition, the prisoners don't have to wear uniforms, and they enjoy relative freedom to relax, play games, and do other things that people with nine-to-five jobs wish they could do, including pseudo-gourmet meals. If you've grocery-shopped at a 7-Eleven lately, these prisoners' lives are probably better than yours.

America has the highest amount of prisoners in the entire world, so it only makes sense that at least a few of them would be nicer than excrement-filled holes in the ground. Well, here's another: the Otisville Correctional Federal Center in upstate New York. One former prisoner asked about his experience in what has been called a "castle behind bars" said, "You could do about anything you wanted there ... It's not just good. It's sweet. That's why you request to go there."

Yep, a prison that you ask to be taken to. No wonder, either, since it has dozens of sports fields and the cafeteria offers food like ribeye steak and salmon. Unlike your house, this prison also has HBO, Showtime, and Cinemax (which is colloquially known as Skinemax, for all the soft-core porn shown on it, by which we're trying to say this prison also has porn). There's even cookouts and other such fun for the whole family. The only way it's not like a fairy tale from the 1950s is that minorities are allowed there!

Now, for the most open prison of all. Off the coast of Finland, on a small island, is the Suomenlinna prison. There are dozens of small huts across the island, with shared kitchens thrown about. There's barbecues, ponds, and flatscreen TVs. More than that, however: this prison even allows prisoners to visit their family on the mainland, basically all the time.

The only downside we've seen is that, like with San Pedro, you do have to pay some to be here. But honestly, it's so nice, who would mind? There's no uniforms, no locks, no gates, you get cell phones, can go grocery shopping, study for university, and do basically whatever you would do in your normal everyday life.

A convicted smuggler spending time there said of the place, "It's quite relaxing to be here ... We have bunnies." Wait ... does your landlord let you have pets? Ours doesn't ... okay, that settles it. We're moving to Finland. If their prisons are like this, can you imagine the rest of the place? Although, this actually does make us think: is Hell actually where it's at? Seriously, if all these prisons are this wonderful, doesn't it seem that chances are high Heaven is a dilapidated theme park, while Hell is, ya know, a Hilton?