Here's What Would Happen To Earth If The Extinct Titanoboa Lived Today

When we prepare for the end of the world, it's good to consider all the possibilities. For example, what if a mad scientist deep in the Amazon jungle were to somehow revive the terrifyingly huge Titanoboa? Even if you don't know what the Titanoboa was, you can infer that such a situation would not bode well for life on Earth as we know it today. According to Smithsonian Magazine, the prehistoric serpent could grow up to 49 feet long and weighed in at a terrifying 2,500 pounds. The gargantuan serpent was so big around that were you to stand next to it, it would come up to your waist. Then it would eat you.

Luckily, you don't live 58 million years ago, so there's a good chance you'll never have to see one in real life. However, just for fun, let's ponder what might happen to Earth if that mad scientist were to really bring the extinct Titanoboa back to life today. Firstly, we would obviously have a Jurassic Park situation on our hands. The Brobdingnagian boas would no doubt escape from whatever lab/amusement park had been built to laughingly try to keep them in. Giant snakes would slither out of their enclosures to infest the jungles of Colombia, feeding on Pablo Escobar's hippos and reproducing like mad. This nightmare scenario would be just the beginning.

Titanoboa would most likely be the end of humanity if it lived today

Once news of the Titanoboa infestation made the headlines, you just know some American billionaire bored with outer space is going to want one as a pet. Actually two, because he's a billionaire, after all, and he must comply with the billionaire code of bringing about our own destruction one dumb decision at a time. So he gets his pets and brings them to the enclosure built specifically for them in the courtyard at the massive campus of his global tech conglomerate. One would think he would have made sure to build better fences than the mad scientist, but no, he didn't. The snakes escape from that enclosure and eat all the tech employees right in the middle of their foosball games.

By now they would have reproduced, and their offspring would go about the continent feeding on everything they saw. The model of Titanoboa commissioned by the Smithsonian (and pictured above) shows the beast gulping down a fully grown crocodile like a midnight snack, so we puny humans would have little chance of survival. Let's just all be thankful that the billionaires are all worried about going to Mars and not reviving oversized ophidians and other extinct creatures that would eat us all.