Your Hashtag Sucks: Nov 11

The Internet chews on itself like a dog gnawing at an infected wound, obsessive and compulsive, until you smack it with a newspaper or wrap a plastic cone around its fuzzy head. Each week, we desperately try to affix that precious safety cone and make sense of the hashtags that ooze out of that wound, hoping to heal the Internet's collective psyche, but knowing that we're probably just going to have to put the whole thing down.


A mysterious light appeared over the California coast on November 7, prompting thousands of amateur astronomers, conspiracy theorists, and sub-geniuses to weigh in on the phenomenon with their infinite but cursory knowledge of all things space. While the military has stated that the object was actually a test missile fired from a submarine, much of the incredulous public denied the idea that this object was actually identified, generally because of inarticulate reasons relating to President Obama's birth certificate. Or maybe the glowing object was just really clever viral marketing for the return of The X-Files. The truth is out there...and it's a lot simpler than you're making it.


Because the Internet is all about cats, and not at all about the exchange of valuable information across previously uncrossable divides, the Lykoi breed of cat rose to the top of the Internet junkpile, presumably because it "looks like a werewolf." Even though there's no actual real world reference to what a proper werewolf would look like, the consensus is that an especially mangy cat with tragic bald spots is close enough to the legendary lycanthropes. The Lykoi looks enough like dirty dumpster stray to not be considered an officially recognized breed yet, but if celebrity cat Lil BUB is going on a record signing tour, there's hope for even the most deformed, exploited feline.


Finding an eternal place in Internet history, #RespectJustinsPrivacy immortalizes the time that someone took a photo of notorious drunk driver Justin Bieber's distant wang while he was parading on an exposed balcony. All at once, teenage girls miraculously realized that online privacy is an issue that can affect anyone. Most of the Bieb's fans came to his defense and pushed his naked images right off of Twitter in a flurry of unexpected self-realization and censored pics, making The Beeb's dingus probably the most educational dingus of all time.


The Ruby Tuesday restaurant chain announced that they'll be closing some locations of one of their offshoot brands, Lime Fresh Mexican Grill. However, the millions who somehow breezed through second grade reading comprehension mourned the imaginary loss of the entire Ruby Tuesday chain, which is not closing, even though Ruby Tuesday is generally the ninth dining-out choice made after Outback Steakhouse is too crowded, the local Arby's burnt down, and no one's filled the dumpster behind Dunkin Donuts yet. You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone, and drenched in ranch dressing at the Garden Bar.


Demi Lovato, who is important for unimportant reasons, launched a hashtag to promote her new album, prompting fans to ask her personal questions, which were mostly addressed with two- or three-word answers, or brief, robotic videos. When asked about her hair or favorite foods, Demi provided simplistic snippets of insight into an incredibly average, but inexplicably wealthy, life. When asked if mercy was ever more important than justice, Demi suffered a critical malfunction and responded with emoticons, unable to function at a level above discussing her workout mix.


Because Twitter doesn't provide enough constraints against meaningful communication, #BeBraveIn4Words requested that tweeters come up with their definition of bravery, using fewer words than the actual hashtag itself. The verbal gymnastics were impressive and awesome, in the sense that the burning glow of a terrible car crash is awesome, resulting in things like, "drive with no eyes," "you can do it," "you need pomegranates removed", and even more irrelevance. Here's one that didn't seem to make it: "Say something that matters."


It's a scientific fact that 75 percent of all Twitter hashtags are about One Direction. If the tall one sneezes or the dumb one winks at his maid's servant, that event will become an ever-growing snowball of hyperbole. If we could harness this energy, we could solve the energy crisis and gun control, with resources left over to feed every starving child in the world. One Direction released a single song off of their upcoming album, Made in the A.M., and set the preteen world aflame. Small girls wept and clawed their ears off, confident that they'd never hear anything more beautiful than the fat one's banjo solo, or whatever it is that they do. The end is nigh, and there's no other way to go. There is only One Direction.


If every first-world problem got together and made one ultra-privileged baby who never wanted for anything, even that baby would not have the stones to come up with the ridiculous #MerryChristmasStarbucks hashtag. This year, if you go into your local Starbucks and order your triple-diamond-macchiato-grande with 18 sugars, your cup will not have a picture of a sledding dog or a snowman on it. Instead, the coffee and bad CD chain has opted for a solid red cup featuring their green logo. For some, this design has indicated an unholy, godless war on Christmas, even though many of Starbucks' holiday cups have, historically, been non-denominational anyhow, unless your religion really associates with smiling foxes and natural evergreens.


Finally, a chance for Twitter's bottom-scrapers and hashtaggers to express why they deserve fame, all while demonstrating why they're the least deserving class of people on the Internet. Modern fame, after all, is defined by how far and wide you can spread your sextape and/or xenophobia. Clever responses to the hashtag included "I'm watching Game Of Thrones," and "my general aesthetic and personality doesn't really work without fame," which is a fancy way of saying, "I act entitled though I acknowledge that I'm entitled to nothing." Good work, garbage people!