Classic Rock Songs With Ridiculous Storylines

Musicians have long used songs to flex their storytelling prowess. Rock music is particularly fertile ground for singers, songwriters, and instrumentalists to turn stories (whether from memory or imagination) into melodious narratives. Green Day's 2004 song "Jesus of Suburbia" tells the tale of delinquent youths. David Bowie's "Space Oddity" (1969) is a chilling account of an untethered astronaut's final moments off-world. And who could forget (or resist singing along with) the murderer who tragically sold his soul to the devil in Queen's 1975 banger, "Bohemian Rhapsody?" But some songs push the limits of sensical storytelling with ludicrous lyrics; others use silly scenarios to convey something deeper and darker than their denotations. Many of them are in the vast catalogue of what we now call "classic rock."

To come up with this list, we defined "classic rock songs" as rock songs that came out from the 1960s to the mid-1990s (yes, 1996 was 30 years ago — feeling that back pain yet?). We excluded parody songs, as those would almost always be ridiculous (because absurdity is part of the DNA of song parodies). Additionally, we did our best to come up with a mix of sounds and styles — a bit of hard rock here, some tropical-sounding guitars there, and a dash of spoken-word "singing" for good measure. Lastly, we treated the concept of "ridiculousness" as an idea that's bizarre but not necessarily negative, because a song with glaring plot holes or implausible characters can still be a sensational sound trip.

Chances are, you've already heard this 1979 pop song. The quirky, tropical-sounding beats that accompany Rupert Holmes' verses in "Escape (The Piña Colada Song)" make it quite an upbeat earworm. There's a reason why it topped the Billboard Hot 100 the year it was released, after all. But while the instruments (and the reference to an icy beverage) might conjure up images of a lazy summer vacation in your head, the lyrics serve up a cocktail of infidelity and irony, treading the line between scandalous and silly.

Told from the point of view of a man who has grown tired of his partner, "Escape (The Piña Colada Song)" opens with the would-be salacious scoundrel checking the personals in the paper. He comes across an ad from what could be assumed is an equally lonely person, looking for someone with specific traits (an alcohol enjoyer who despises yoga and delights in adventure) to have a good time with. He expresses interest via his own ad, and they set a date — only to hilariously discover that the mysterious companion-seeker was actually his partner, and that what they wanted was in each other all along. It's hard to fathom that in real life, a couple that finds themselves in such an awkward situation would be able to laugh about it. Forget sipping piña coladas together; they'd be chucking vodka bottles at each other.

Don't get us wrong — the inclusion of the Eagles' "Hotel California" on this list is by no means intended to diminish the success of this uber-popular (perhaps even overplayed) banger from 1976. However, we ultimately decided that it belongs here because its lyrics perfectly walk the tightrope between abstraction and absurdity. 

Let's get this out of the way: Anyone who has ever heard this song could instantly glean that it isn't meant to be taken literally. It's not actually about a hotel (though that hasn't stopped some people from suggesting that it is). And for many listeners, its combination of verbal vagueness and ominous instrumentals makes it ripe for all sorts of interpretations, ranging from Satanism to supernatural shenanigans. Still, the fact that the words aren't supposed to be taken at face value doesn't mean we can't acknowledge that, as a whole, the narrative doesn't make much sense. 

A hotel that you can check out of, but can't leave? Wine is being referred to as a "spirit," even though it's made through different chemical processes (don't make the mistake of asking songwriter Don Henley, as LA Weekly did, about it, though, because yes, he knows they aren't the same, and no, clearly you don't get it). Out-of-nowhere references to marijuana and groups of people stabbing beasts with knives? Sure, one can listen to "Hotel California" and interpret it as a profound sociopolitical statement. But it's also possible that, for all of its iconic glory, "Hotel California" simply says everything while saying nothing at all.

Anyone who has ever had to be away from their loved ones for an extended period of time would certainly be no stranger to longing and loneliness. A tinge of jealousy even enters the mix, more often than not, when the person is in a long-distance relationship with someone who barely has time to communicate with them. But it's a safe bet that few could say they've known such negative emotions quite as powerfully as Waldo Jeffers, the paranoid protagonist of the Velvet Underground's 1968 song "The Gift." 

The spoken-word song details the emotional struggles of the sleep-deprived Waldo, stuck in Pennsylvania while desperately waiting to hear from his sweetheart, Marsha Bronson, in Wisconsin. After two months of worrying that his significant other may have already forgotten about him and found solace in the arms of another, inspiration strikes the penny-pinching student: He seals himself inside a gigantic box and has the post office unknowingly pick him up as a "special delivery." Inexplicably, and against all common sense, this idea actually works toward getting him to Marsha's doorstep.

Alas, Waldo's worries aren't wholly without merit. Marsha has not only moved on; judging from her reaction to seeing the package with Waldo's address, she seems repulsed by the notion of even receiving anything from him. When the box proves too much of a challenge to open, Marsha's helpful friend Shiela plunges a cutter blade through the box flaps — and brings the story to a bloody end.

Many of today's ardent pop culture consumers are probably familiar with Black Sabbath's 1970 heavy metal hit, "Iron Man," partly because it was used in the teaser and end credits of the 2009 film featuring the eponymous Marvel hero. But aside from their shared two-word nom de guerre, Tony Stark and the angry savior-turned-antagonist at the center of the song have precious little in common.

The Black Sabbath song tells the tragic tale of a once-heroic time traveler who met an unpleasant fate when an encounter with a "great magnetic field" goes awry. Unlike the comic book Avenger, this Iron Man doesn't end up encased in armor; he straight-up turns into steel. Unable to move from his solid state and spurned by the citizens he tried to save from a future apocalypse, he furiously plots his revenge. And now, the sight of his metallic form is allegedly enough to strike fear into the hearts of the people who rejected him when he needed help.

But set aside the badass one-liners, head-banging guitars, and powerful drums, and it quickly becomes apparent that the whole scenario is full of contradictions. So the man traveled to the future, transformed into an immobile metal brick, and then somehow made it back to the present? And because of this, he's treated as a threat, even though he might essentially be a sightless statue at this point (as the lyrics themselves ask at the very beginning)? All of a sudden, we get why he's so mad at the world.