Things everyone gets wrong about cats

It's in so many movies. If there's a cat, they're given a saucer of milk. That's what cats like, right?

Well, no. Cats drink milk as kittens, of course—all mammals do when young. But once they're weaned off their mother's milk, they stop producing all the enzymes they need to digest the stuff. So yes, that means that most cats are lactose intolerant, although milk and dairy in small amounts is usually all right. Regular milk's lactose collects in the cat's digestive system and leads to all sorts of stinky problems—the same problems that happen if a lactose intolerant person chugs a milkshake with their cheese-filled dinner.

There's another problem with milk, too, and that's the fat and calorie content. Give a cat a saucer of milk as big as their head, and that's like you sitting down and eating a gallon of full-fat ice cream with some extra fat for good measure. (We won't judge, we've been there.) That means not only will milk make a cat unacceptably leaky, but it'll make him fat, too. They still might like the actual taste of milk—just like you're still going to want some more of that triple-cookie-dough-chunk-fudge ice cream the next day—and that's why they make lactose-free, low-fat cat milk. We're still waiting on the ice cream version.

So you're a vegetarian. Congratulations, we're sure you'd like to tell us all about it. But before you put your cat on a strict vegetarian diet because you enjoy forcing your lifestyle choices on others, know that your cat is not at all fine with the idea.

A handful of nutrients that cats need to survive, like taurine and arachidonic acid, come from meat. They also need a heck of a lot of protein, more than most other animals do. They can't easily get all that from a plant-based diet, and deficiencies mean they're going to suffer from skin problems, hearing loss, and even heart and liver problems. There's also the problem of vegetarian diets being high in carbohydrates, and cats can't process that. Sure, a handful of professionals will swear a vegetarian diet is fine, but considering they're largely manufacturers of vegetarian cat food, you can guess exactly where their interests lie.

Some vegetarian diets have artificial versions of all the meat proteins cats need, and that all sounds great ... until you keep reading and find out that cats can't process artificial ingredients as efficiently as they process natural ones. That's going to mean a weakened heart and shortened lifespan, and if you're so worried about the ethics of meat consumption, what about the ethics of putting your cat through that? Research has also found that cats forced onto a vegetarian diet at home will simply head out into the great outdoors and start picking off the local wildlife to supplement the crap diet you're giving them, because they will have none of your fascist ways.

They might land on their feet most of the time, but not always. They can do it because they have the ability to twist their spines in a way that would kill a human, so when they jump, their sense of balance aligns the front half, while the twisty spine snaps into action and reflexively aligns the back half for a safe—and impressive—landing.

Even though it's a reflex, it still takes time. If a cat falls from a low height, they commonly won't have time to flip completely, and they'll land on their side. And even if they do land on their feet, they don't always come out of the incident unscathed. If they're falling from too high and their legs can't absorb the impact, it can result in all sorts of horrible things like broken bones, internal trauma, and even brain damage. It's more common than you think, too, so common there's a name for it: high-rise syndrome. Remember that old saying about curiosity? That's true, and the ASPCA—and common sense—says that you really need to make sure your cat's safe, because not even ninjas are perfect.

Always is a dangerous thing to say, unless you're talking about something like whether or not beer should be cold, or whiskey should be served on the rocks. (Always.) When it comes to cats, things are a little less certain.

In both these cases, you could replace "always" with "most" and be completely correct. You'd be more correct when it comes to calicos, as only about 1 in every 3,000 calico cats is male. On the flip side, about 1 in 3 orange tabbies is female, so while you're more likely to find a male, statistically speaking, you could have a whole flock of female orange tabbies, if you wanted. (We do.)

It's all down to genetics. The gene that makes a cat orange is only carried on the X chromosome, and when you factor in things like recessiveness, you'll find the only way to get a calico pattern is two X chromosomes. That means male cats can only present as just orange or not orange, not a mix of colors. When male calico cats do happen, that's only because they're genetically different—an XXY set of chromosomes, rather than the usual XY. There's even a name for those genetic weirdos: Klinefelter males, after the doctor who first figured this out. On the flip side, since orange is on the X chromosome, male cats are gingers with only one copy of the gene. Female cats have to inherit two, and that's why they're not as common. Also, it has nothing to do with the condition of their souls—cats do have souls, but they have no bearing on coat color.

If you want a little love bug, get an orange cat. If you want a princess, get a tortie. And if you want someone to cast spells with, get a black cat. We might be exaggerating on the last one, but it's a common belief that certain colors are associated with certain personality traits.

Researchers at UC Berkeley took a look at the myth and found absolutely no evidence to back up the theories. What they did find, though, was the belief is so firmly entrenched in the collective consciousness that light-colored cats are considered friendlier, so they get adopted more often. Cats are picked on appearance rather than personality, and since the belief usually doesn't prove true, they're often returned. So remember: don't be a cat racist.

People think declawing is painless, sort of like getting your nails cut permanently. Not quite. Declawing removes part of the cat's paws, and the human equivalent of the same procedure would be cutting off each and every one of your fingers at the first joint. Doesn't sound so harmless now, does it?

A whole bunch of medical problems are associated with declawing, like permanent nerve damage and bone spurs that make it painful for the cat to even walk. There's plenty of short-term horribleness, too, like bleeding paws and a high rate of infection. Open wounds on your feet when you're trying to use the litter box isn't something we'd wish on anyone.

That brings us to the behavioral part of the myth. People who think it's a good idea to get a cat declawed often say they do it to put an end to things like scratching the furniture or scratching humans, and while they might not be scratching, they still have teeth, and are you going to pull those out?

The moral of the story is: don't declaw, at all. It even rhymes, almost.

It's impossible to tell how many cats are shuffled off to shelters because their human family is expecting, but whatever the number, it's too high. It's a complete myth that housecats routinely kill babies, either by smothering them or — because some people still believe this — stealing their breath. They have more important cat things to do anyway, like sitting in boxes.

Hard evidence this ever happened is completely lacking. A LiveScience investigation found only one death-by-cat instance ever. It happened in Plymouth in 1791, and the coroner ruled the 18-month-old child died because the cat stole its breath. Don't forget, that's only about 100 years after the Salem witch trials, and we all know the rumors about witches and cats. Cats were often blamed for misfortunes that couldn't be explained any other way, and word-of-mouth condemned the cat to a second-class family member.

According to the ASPCA, there are a few precautions expectant parents should take, but seriously, everything will be fine. Keep things like the litter box away from baby's exploring hands, teach the cat that areas like the crib are off-limits, and ... that's pretty much it. Don't try to be a good human parent by being a crappy cat parent.

If you've ever left for work in the morning and have come home to find your cat in the exact same spot, you'd probably see that as proof cats are lazy. They're not.

Cat sleep patterns are more complicated than you think, and while it's true they appear to be sleeping for as much as 16 hours a day, Cat Behavior Associates say they usually aren't really sleeping. Most of a cat's snooze time is spent in a sort of doze, where all his senses are still alert and listening for prey, predators, or the crinkle-crinkle of the treat bag. Pay close attention and you'll notice his eyes are almost open and his ears are moving. He's not exactly on high alert, but sort of a DEFCON 4 with an option to go straight to DEFCON 1 if something interesting happens nearby.

According to VetStreet, there's a biological reason little Mittens needs so much downtime: diet. Cats are meat-eaters, and long periods of rest or near-rest help their digestive systems handle all that protein. Cut Mittens some slack; he's just working smarter, not harder.

If you've come home to an empty food dish and a yowling cat, you know you're only good for one thing — using those opposable thumbs to open the cat food. But a study from Oregon State University (via Science Direct) tried to find out what cats prefer. They took two groups of cats — pet cats and cats from shelters — and presented them with options of either food, socializing with a human, or playing with a toy. By the end of the tests, they found the majority of cats would opt for attention from the human even over some tasty, tasty wet food.

Toys and scent stimuli didn't even stand a chance, and while there were differences between individual cats, there wasn't a statistical difference between the pet cats and the shelter cats. Even though the adorable little test subjects tended to visit all the stations, they most wanted love from a person. Consider that next time your cat gets mouthy when you come home — he may just be mad you were gone so long.

Yep, let's debunk one of the most fundamental "truths" that keeps the world spinning on its axis. Not all cats are naturally averse to water. Animal Planet suggests cats in the wild adjust their views on water depending on their environment. There are predators in the water near leopards and lions, so most avoid it. On the other hand, Asian fishing cats spend so much time splashing and paddling that they have partially webbed paws.

Now, our furry indoor friends. Some cats, like the Turkish Van, the Maine Coon, and the Bengal all tend to have a fascination with water bordering on the obsessive, and many aren't opposed to taking a swim. As for other cats, it's harder to say. Some cats are perfectly happy to splash around in puddles or water bowls, and VetStreet suggests part of a cat's aversion to water is simply because they've had negative experiences with it. Kittens that are open to exploring the bathtub but fall in unexpectedly don't want to repeat that terrifying ordeal, so they stay away. Getting soaked in a thunderstorm isn't pleasant, either. Add in the fact that most cat owners don't bother bathing their cats — they do just fine themselves — and you have a cat that avoids water. Just turn on your bathroom sink to a slow drip, close the drain, and see what Kitty thinks of a safe, comfortable experience with water.

Everyone has an opinion, and when it comes to kids and pets, everyone definitely has their opinions on how you should be raising them. Some people believe cats should be kept as their ancestors were, allowed to roam outside, kill small animals, and potentially die a horrible death. Keeping a cat indoors is cruel, they say. Well ... they're wrong.

According to feline behaviorist Jane Ehrlich, pet cats should 100 percent be kept inside. There are plenty of reasons why, and they all stem from the fact that it's safer. Indoor cats aren't at risk of being hit by a car, being snatched by a predator, getting trapped somewhere and dying there, or being exposed to something that will make them sick. They're also going to be more well-adjusted, psychologically speaking, because they're not always on edge and looking for death around every corner.

As long as indoor cats have access to toys, cat trees, places they can climb and hide, and a safe, interactive environment, they'll live not just long lives, but happy ones. And that's what everyone wants for Fluffy, right?

A 2013 study by the Smithsonian and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service found cats are responsible for the deaths of as many as 3.7 billion birds and 20.7 billion small, furry creatures each year. That seems to support the widespread idea cats are born hunters, that they're death on toe beans, that they're the most adorable killing machines on the planet. They're not.

BBC Earth found big and little cats are successful a relatively small percentage of the time. And CatTime says when it comes to housecats, not all were created equal. When cats were first domesticated, they were welcomed into homes because they kept vermin away from valuable food stores. But as time went on, mankind started caring for them, feeding them, and allowing them to earn their keep in other ways, like posing for Instagram. Mousing and hunting abilities have declined in domesticated cats, simply because it's not as needed any more. 

Some cats — feral cats, barn cats, and those that have grown up on the wrong side of the tracks — are still decent hunters, but pet cats? Not so much. Females tend to be better than males (probably because they've always been responsible for teaching kittens to hunt), but now that we've taught many of them they don't need to hunt outside their food dish, they don't. Unless, of course, it's feet under the covers.

The ancient Egyptians usually get the credit for first domesticating cats. They definitely loved them, integrating them with their gods, painting portraits of them, mummifying them, and burying them en masse with their most important people. It's a different way of showing love. But archaeological finds suggest cats were hanging out with humans long before they weaseled their way into the Egyptians' hearts.

The Egyptians' breeding of domesticated cats has been narrowed down to kicking off around 4,000 years ago (via Science Daily). But images of cats have been discovered in early Neolithic paintings, and when archaeologists in Cyprus discovered the remains of a cat buried alongside a human of apparent importance in a burial site dated to 9,500 years ago, they realized that other peoples had beat Egyptians to it by thousands of years.

It's not clear just what relationship early humans had with early cats, but researchers say the condition of the cat's skeleton seemed to indicate it was a pet and not a sacrifice. So cats have been living the best life ever for millennia, and that's pretty cool. They deserve it.