Bands who are absolute nightmares when on tour

It's a poorly kept secret that rock stars and their bands don't exactly view themselves as normal people. To paraphrase Christopher Walken: Sure, they put their pants on one leg at a time just like the rest of us, but once their pants are on they make hit records, rock auditoriums full of people, and dodge mountains of groupies who are all trying to get their pants off again. Just imagine being on tour: Everybody allowed to come into contact with you is there to cater to your every whim, thousands of people show up every night in different cities just to hear you rock, and you get paid obscene amounts of money for this. You could be the Dalai Lama, and that would still go to your head.

This is why, every time one of these artists have come to town, you can bet there was a healthy contingent of people — police, security guards, stagehands, etc. — who hoped against hope that that fleet of tour buses would just rumble on by. Many of them are older acts who engaged in the fine, sadly lost art of trashing hotel rooms, some place insane demands upon the venues and cities lucky enough to be blessed by their presence, and some can't seem to quit antagonizing their own fans — but all of these bands are absolute freaking nightmares on the road.

Lizard King wants to show you his Lizard Prince

The Doors were the dictionary definition of a legendary band, and lead singer Jim Morrison was the prototypical rock god — but if you caught them live, you never knew exactly what you were going to get. Morrison could be an intensely charismatic and borderline otherworldly stage presence, but he could also be a complete drunken madman prone to the type of jaw-droppingly inappropriate behavior that sounds like urban legend but somehow is not. Forgetting the lyrics to his own songs in an alcoholic haze was just the tip of the iceberg, and every time he made the news for some insane reason, he seemed to be trying to top himself.

For example, during a 1967 show, a cop who failed to recognize Morrison (who was making out with a groupie at the time) maced the singer after he refused to vacate the area. Morrison recovered in time to take the stage — where he decided to forgo performing in favor of a profane rant against the police, which got him arrested. Then there was the time in 1969 he allegedly exposed himself onstage to earn another trip to the slammer, or that other time in 1970 when a lamb somehow ended up onstage, prompting Morrison to exclaim he'd sure like to have sex with it. These are far from the only examples, but you signed up for a short, entertaining article, not a 10,000-word treatise.

Airplane crashes and burns

Even if you prefer new music to classic rock, you'd have to admit these older bands could really teach these young whippersnappers a thing or two about partying so hard that everything gets weird and possibly illegal. Take Jefferson Airplane, whose lead singer Grace Slick was a boozy force of nature (a. boozicane?) rivaled only by her onetime boyfriend Jim Morrison for sheer volume of consumption and subsequent extreme awkwardness. When she wasn't wantonly humping anything in her path — "I pretty much nailed anybody that was handy" — she was boozing, attempting to perform while boozing even more, or getting arrested for booze.

In 1978 alone she was arrested twice before the summer even began, then kicked off the sunny season by causing a riot after canceling a concert in Germany due to illness. She made it up to them the next night, however, by getting utterly plastered before even setting foot onstage and tearing into the locals over Germany's Nazi past. "Who won the war?!" she implored, as the crowd booed and threw things; she then adroitly tried to win them back over by shouting "Heil Hitler!" and giving Nazi salutes. This, of course, led to her dismissal from the band. Fortunately, though, she would rejoin the revamped Jefferson Starship three years later, in plenty of time to contribute to one of the worst songs anyone has ever heard: "We Built This City."

When the going gets tough, Axl Rose starts a riot

Guns N' Roses has always been a hit-or-miss live proposition for one shaggy, screeching reason: front man Axl Rose, who quickly developed a reputation for being an enormous jerk who loves to tussle with fans and only deigns to perform if and when he feels like it. The world got a sneak preview of these tendencies in 1991, when GNR rocked the brand-new Riverport Ampitheatre in St. Louis. At least they did until Rose took issue with something some fan was doing in the front row. When security failed to remove the guy within three seconds, Rose decided to handle it himself and leaped into the crowd. One riot, 65 injuries and thousands of dollars in property damage later, the band was facing multiple lawsuits and Rose's reputation was cemented.

Feeling like he could do better, Rose managed to anger pretty much all of Montreal during the Guns' joint tour with Metallica. When the latter had to cut their set short after lead singer James Hetfield was seriously burned by pyrotechnics, Rose and the boys could have calmed the crowd and saved the day by putting on a blistering set — so of course, they didn't. They played a cursory few songs before Rose exclaimed "This will be our last show for a long time," and bolted. Presto, instant riot — but Rose, having learned his lesson, somehow made Canadians riot again by canceling a Vancouver show a full decade later.

Legend of the Loon

When Keith "The Loon" Moon was manning the skins for British rock band The Who, hospitality employees trembled at the mere mention of their name. This is because Moon, one of the greatest drummers of all time, is arguably less famous for that than he is for constantly destroying his accommodations as if a hotel room killed his father. Every one of his exploits sounds like a wild tall tale — but not according to the great Alice Cooper, who once said, "Everything you've ever heard about Keith Moon is true. And you've only heard a tenth of it."

For starters, there's the legendary incident on Moon's 21st birthday in which he drove a Lincoln Continental into the swimming pool of a Flint, Michigan, Holiday Inn. This was apparently not an isolated occurrence, as he also once drove a car straight through the floor-to-ceiling glass of a hotel lobby and up to the reception desk, then got out and calmly asked for his room key. A limo driver once reported that a panicked Moon asked him to turn around and return to the hotel they'd just left, saying he'd forgotten something — which was to hurl the TV out the window. ("I nearly forgot," he said upon returning.) He attempted to steal a hotel waterbed, which burst, so he was relocated to another suite — which he trashed. All this, plus a consistent fondness for the old cherry-bomb-in-the-toilet trick — and if Cooper is to be believed, this only scratches the surface.

Might as well jump right over the edge

Despite their fun-loving, party-hard image, Van Halen has to be one of the most stressful bands in the world to be in, because the guys kind of can't stand each other. Guitarist Eddie Van Halen and lead singer David Lee Roth in particular have been known to butt heads constantly, which is perhaps one of the reasons the outfit has always been sort of like the Murphy's Law of live bands: If there's something weird, stupid, or awkward that can happen, it probably will.

In the band's early days, they were just as hotel-room-trash-y as the next guys, unless the next guys happened to be Journey. In 1978, Van Halen were opening for the arena rock kings when they became displeased with the headliners' lavish catering and bevy of groupies, amenities the boys felt deprived of. So, they utterly destroyed their hotel room, chucked TVs out the window (known as "pulling a Moon"), and had a fire extinguisher fight in the hallway, and blamed it all on Journey. But that's nothing compared to their bizarre stage antics — from Roth challenging a fan to a fight in 1984, to Eddie smashing guitars and storming off stage in 2004, to the mangled mess they made of their signature hit "Jump" at a 2007 show. It's their crackerjack live performances that made Van Halen legendary, and when they're on, they're on. When they're not, David Lee Roth might threaten to kick your ass.

Wayne's Army ready to deploy

Lil Wayne is a very popular rap guy, to be sure, but while Metallica insists that their security be unarmed, Wayne demands a phalanx of armed guards suitable for a head of state. His tour rider begins with the requirement of a two-vehicle police escort from the airport to the hotel, which will be joined by an additional squad of four armed, off-duty officers to accompany Wayne from the hotel to the venue, then back to the hotel, and anywhere else he might need to go. Sounds pretty secure, right? Not secure enough!

Ten more armed guards must patrol the backstage areas, and for international dates, an additional four-man armed security team must be available to Wayne 24 hours a day. For his off-venue accommodation, Wayne requires nothing less than the presidential suite of a five-star hotel, and obviously, copious amounts of food, booze, energy drinks, and towels — 10 white hand towels and 10 white full-size towels — must be present in his room upon arrival. It's a good thing Wayne is too huge to play smaller towns, or just popping out to McDonald's before the show might require him to commandeer their entire police force.

Drunk Crue vs. Sober Crue

In the early '80s, there was no band more notoriously hard-partying than Motley Crue, much to the chagrin of their manager Doc McGhee. Their destructive, drug-addled ways were and are well-known, but McGhee put life on the road with Crue into hilarious focus during an interview on the Talk is Jericho podcast: "They were more like a gang than a band," he explained. "You apologized every day. We got thrown out of every hotel with them. ... We had to put up $15,000 in cash just to get into a Howard Johnson's." He even described an incident in which the band was booted from their hotel after brawling with none other than Van Halen. (In the latter's defense, an unidentified crew member started it by biting Eddie.) But these days, the Crue aren't so much rowdy as they are a royal pain in the keister for venues.

Among the standard, still-excessive rock star requirements for backstage amenities, the Crue requires that each venue have on hand the location of any AA meetings taking place in the area since the boys are now mostly sober. But their newfound sobriety doesn't mean they don't know how to have fun: among their other requests are a jar of peanut butter (creamy, please), a jar of Grey Poupon mustard, a sub-machine gun, and a 12-foot boa constrictor. You know, the usual stuff.

Maiden run of the S.S. Beastie ends predictably

The Beastie Boys went from frat boys of rap to beloved elder statesmen in an improbably short time. But during their tour in support of their 1986 debut Licensed to Ill, they were about as welcomed by the towns receiving them as a plague of locusts and caused nearly as many problems. These shows famously featured such family-friendly set decor as giant, inflatable dongs and scantily clad women writhing about in suspended steel cages, which went over about as well as you'd expect during the era of the PMRC. In advance of their Washington, D.C., date, the Washington Post ran an article that screamed, "BAN THE BEASTIE BOYS: Beware, parents! The Beastie Boys don't do concerts; they do orgies."

While this wasn't exactly the case, their raucous shows and throwback tendency to demolish hotel rooms drew the ire of law enforcement agencies across the country. After having run out of people to annoy in the U.S., the Beasties departed for the U.K. leg of the tour, where a Liverpool audience unaccustomed to such rowdiness took umbrage when the band started chucking beer bottles into the crowd. A riot broke out, Ad-Rock was arrested, and the whole ugly incident led to the Beasties being dropped from the Def Jam label. They responded to the setback by moving to Los Angeles, hooking up with the Dust Brothers, and producing one of rap's greatest masterpieces. So if you wanna kick-start your career, start a riot? Unless you're Axl Rose. Three is enough, Axl.

Led Zeppelin's hotel antics

Led Zeppelin's on-tour antics were even more legendary than their performances. According to the Independent, Jimmy Page used to bring a Nazi uniform on tour, not so he could shock audiences but so he could wear it to drag queen bars. Because evidently, doing drugs with drag queens in the club's bathroom was simply not something you could do unless you were in full Nazi regalia. And John Bonham once wheeled Page into a hotel room full of female groupies on a luggage cart. That sounds almost tame, except for the part where Page was naked and covered in whipped cream.

That's not as bad as it got — when Page was super out-of-control, his tour manager would take him back to his room and chain him to the toilet. Meanwhile, John Bonham would drive his motorcycle through the hotel corridors, just like Danny Torrance on his Big Wheel except if he'd encountered creepy twin ghosts and a tidal wave of blood he would have found some way to turn it into a party.

And, finally, there was the TV tossing thing, which Led Zeppelin invented, by the way. After one particularly fruitful evening in which they threw five sets into Puget Sound, a hotel clerk asked the band's manager what it was like to toss a TV out a window. The manager handed the clerk $500 and said, "Here you go, mate. Go toss a TV courtesy of Led Zeppelin."

Pentagram's front man can't rein in his sexist behavior

In 2016, the two female-led bands — Wax Idols and King Woman — opening for heavy metal pioneers Pentagram announced they were dropping out of the tour because of an "overload of bullsh*t" and because they'd been "treated really poorly and harassed in gross ways."

This particular tour started off badly, with front man Bobby Liebling failing to show up for the first performance and arriving two hours late for the next one. But that wasn't what finally made Wax Idols and King Woman pull out. Hether Fortune of Wax Idols told Noisey that some of the other women in her band were being subjected to "inappropriate comments" and "touching." From there it seemed to escalate to Liebling making "absurdly gross, inappropriate comments," and then getting on stage and making rape jokes in front of the crowd. It got bad enough that Fortune's female bandmates mostly just hid in their van and refused to associate with the members of Pentagram until they finally decided to back out of the last three performances.

Oh and finally, Liebling basically said the only reason he'd even decided to tour with two female-led bands was so he'd have "a lot of options with women," whatever that means. So yeah, Pentagram on tour is a gross, misogynistic, super-uncomfortable experience, and not just for the women in the audience.

Ozzy Osbourne used to pee on random things

Ozzy Osbourne had a weird infatuation with urine, and not in a medical way, either. In fact, if you have a weak stomach you'd better just skip ahead because we're about to repeat an anecdote that will make you want to barf.

According to Vanity Fair, in the 2001 Motley Crue autobiography The Dirt, bassist Nikki Sixx says on a tour stop in Lakeland, Florida, Osbourne snorted a line of live ants and peed all over the pavement. And then, because at that point he had an audience, he bent over and lapped up all the pee "like a cat."

Okay, so eeewww, but that's not all. On his 1984 Bark at the Moon tour, Osbourne, Tommy Lee, and Vince Neil got drunk on sake and peed on a police car. Perhaps Osbourne's most notorious urine-related incident, though, happened after a show in 1982, when he ended up at the Alamo in San Antonio, Texas, and then he peed on it. 

Well actually, Osbourne didn't technically pee on the Alamo. According to Ultimate Classic Rock, he actually peed on the Cenotaph, which is across the street from the Alamo. That was close enough as far as Texas was concerned, though, and he was told to never return to San Antonio. Though evidently even Texas eventually forgives — 10 years later Osbourne donated $10,000 to the Daughters of the Republic of Texas, and all was forgiven. But definitely not forgotten. Not ever.

Kid Rock has been in a bunch of stupid fights

Kid Rock has a reputation for bad behavior, and he knows it. In fact he's so self-aware about his inability to behave like an actual human being that TMZ says he once told a judge no one should be allowed to bring up his reputation as a "tough guy" or a "thug" in court, you know, lest that prejudice the jury into thinking he's a tough guy or a thug. Also, he doesn't think it's fair if opposing lawyers bring up his prior arrests.

In 2006, Rock and six members of the hip-hop group the Boo-Yaa Tribe allegedly beat up three guys outside the Hollywood nightclub Teddy's in Los Angeles. For that incident, a judge ordered Rock to pay $35,000, which is kind of a long way from the $15 million the victims were asking for, but celebrities don't have to be punished for their actions in the same way regular people do. Then in 2007, Kid Rock stopped at a Waffle House while on tour in Atlanta and got into a brawl with another Waffle House customer. For that indiscretion, he was ordered to pay $40,000 instead of the $2.9 million Rock said the plaintiff had originally asked for. So maybe the plaintiffs didn't get the millions they were hoping for but still, $35,000 and $40,000 are pretty decent-sized numbers ... until you realize that's really only worth a few dozen hotel television sets. 

Marilyn Manson rubbed his junk all over some dude's head

Marilyn Manson has made a tidy living from being shocking. In fact one might argue that he does shocking first and music second. (Sorry, Manson fans, but stabbing himself on stage with a broken beer bottle trumps pretty much every weird lyric he's ever written.)

So yeah, the dude is a little unpredictable. He's been known to threaten random magazine editors with death, and he acts totally drunk and incoherent on stage, though no one seems quite sure if it's just part of his act. But that's all rock star stuff, right? Well. There's "rock star," and there's also being disgusting and shocking at the expense of another person, which is what happened in 2001 at a concert in Clarkston, Michigan.

According to MTV, Manson — who was wearing nothing but a G-string — approached a security guard, wrapped his legs around the poor dude's head and rubbed his bits and pieces all over the guy's head and neck. Manson was charged with felony fourth-degree criminal sexual conduct and misdemeanor assault and battery. The guard also filed a civil suit against him, which he dropped in 2004 in exchange for an undisclosed settlement.

The felony criminal charge was later reduced to a misdemeanor, which could have landed him in jail for 90 days except it didn't — the judge just ordered him to pay $4,000 in fines instead. Manson called the decision "a victory for art." Right. Art.