The happiest country in the world

In a stunning upset, the U.N. has reported that, for the seventh straight year, the happiest place on Earth has an astonishingly low giant-anthropomorphic-mouse-to-human ratio. At least, as far as anyone can tell. The problem with bipedal man-rats is that you never know how many of them are in your area until it's too late. But that's a different story.

The World Happiness Report, published each year by the United Nations Sustainable Development Solutions Network, is a way for countries to gauge their overall levels of joy and contentment in a ranked system so they can rub their collective mental health in other countries' fat, dumb faces. The report quantifies several different factors, including life expectancy, social support, income, freedom, and trust. Yes, they put a number to how much people trust each other. Try that out at home and see where your marriage ranks on next year's happiness report.

Taking all of these factors into account, 2019's top of the joy pack was none other than ...

Drum roll, please

Finland.

"Why Finland?" you may be asking yourself. "Isn't that sort of the Cleveland of Scandinavia? And isn't Scandinavia the Cleveland of the world?" The answer, in short, is yes. But to quote so many college students wrapping up their year studying abroad, "There are worse places than Cleveland." Metaphorically. 

In fact, for the last six years, the icy regions have been sweeping the competition, with wins for Norway, Denmark, and Sweden. It makes sense, really. Imagine how much happier you'd be knowing that there's a zero percent probability of ever needing to be seen in a swimsuit. 

The United States, meanwhile, can go cry in its American pie. We're currently sitting at 18th place, and even got a special mention in a chapter of the report titled "Addiction and Unhappiness in America." We're crushing it, you guys.