World Records That Guinness Refuses To Certify

You have to imagine that the good people at Guinness World Records go through a lot. They wake up each morning with a sense of uncertainty, never knowing what the day might bring. Maybe they'll be sent to Bowling Green, Kentucky to verify the World's Biggest Cystic Zit, or to Grafton, Illinois to clock a contender for World's Stretchiest Mouth Skin. Maybe they'll spend their afternoon with a slide rule and a sense of despair, confirming once again that Jeff from accounts payable does not have the World's Thickest Corns and that no, they're still not interested in going out with him.

With a job like that, there needs to be a line. A mark in the sand where a person can point and say "this far and no further." Yes, even the Guinness World Record committee has limits, and there are some attempts at exceptionalism that they won't touch with a 10-foot thumbnail.

World's Biggest Buzzkill

Shocking though it may be considering the generally perceived laissez-faire approach to setting world records, Guinness actually has an extensive list of subjects they won't cover. The big ones involve the potential for self-harm — attempts at speed records on any public roads that haven't been closed off are rejected outright, as are records along the lines of "watch how much booze I can swallow," begging the question, "Why don't you just make fun illegal while you're at it, Guinness World Records?"

The possibility of animal cruelty is also a great way to get rejected. Categories like "World's Fattest Dog" and "World's Most Tattooed Horse" require a level of commitment that the creature in question might not have of their own volition, and starving your koi fish until it's the skinniest one on record doesn't play super well in the press.

Tragically, "if your suggestion is too specific it might not be accepted," so "Most Times Popping My Aunt Maryanne In The Back Of The Head With The Nerf Gun She Got Me For My Quinceañera" probably won't fly. There are a ton of stipulations, honestly. They won't take record attempts involving blinking, freckles, group photos, poetry, or "small plant/fruit/vegetable records." Looks like it's time to find a new dream. Again.