Reasons why Storage Wars is totally fake

Storage Wars lets us live out our fantasies of becoming super-rich without trying, with a bunch of pseudo-treasure hunters bidding on storage lockers, opening up the lockers, and seeing what's inside. Magically, it's almost always something breathtaking and priceless, meaning *boom*! Instant riches.

Unfortunately, the myth that Storage Wars peddles — the myth of striking upon the coolest and most valuable finds in the world simply by opening the right locker– is about as realistic as The Goonies. (Note: sadly, The Goonies isn't real, either.) Here are all the ways Storage Wars sells you nothing but sweet, sweet lies.

Filming happens separate from auctions

The best part of Storage Wars is the bidding. Watching an auction is always fun, but with this large cast of characters all bidding over a locker filled with God-knows-what type of rare and interesting artifacts, that just amps it up so much more.

Of course, that's only when the auctions that we're seeing are real. Which, apparently, is not always the case. See, sometimes the auctions themselves aren't interesting enough, so the filming of the bidding sequences are done separately. It makes a certain amount of sense, to be fair, since not all auctions are going to be fast paced bid-a-thons. Some of them might only have one or two bids, while others might go on for so long, everyone watching would have fallen asleep or flipped over to History Channel to see how Bigfoot was doing. But by presenting each one as a nail-biter, the show instantly becomes about as real as Mr. Foot.

Some of the lockers aren't real

On Storage Wars, once the bidders gather around a locker like hungry hyenas to an injured Scar, the lock is broken, the unit is opened for a quick moment, and then bidding begins. Except, sometimes that unit isn't exactly what it seems. One time (supposedly) there was a "special unit" that looked completely different than any of the other storage units featured on the show. Want to guess why? Yep, it wasn't a storage unit at all, but rather a unit that the producers bought, brought on set, and filled with whatever their little plastic hearts desired.

Now, this is something that seems to have gone out of favor after the first season of the show, but it still is a huge deal. The producers faked an entire storage unit — not only the stuff inside, but the actual unit itself wasn't real. At that point, wouldn't just scripting a traditional show be a bit quicker?

Of the ones that ARE real, a large part of them have been "salted"

The payoff of Storage Wars is seeing our heroes open a locker and find something beautiful, old, rare, and priceless — a pearl in the detritus, a diamond in the rough, a metaphor in the cliche. Of course, not every oyster has a pearl. For those storage units that don't have anything of value, the producers "salt them" — which basically means they plant the pearls in there themselves.

Now, technically, it's not legal to do this before the auctioneers bid on it, so instead, they wait until the unit has been "won" (more on that in a bit). Then, the producers turn the cameras off, figure out what would be the coolest things to "find" in the locker, and then throw it in there to be "discovered."

This is fake drama-adding at it's finest. After all, while a bunch of lockers are bid on and won while the camera is running, watching a duo work through all of those (mostly worthless) boxes of minutiae would get pretty boring. So, producers up the fun by moving awesome, interesting stuf into the purchased unit, for the stars to find.

Of course, sometimes, there isn't enough awesome stuff in all the bought lockers to make it interesting, so that's when they get even faker

One of the "biggest" stars of the show sued it for being fake

Storage Wars has a bunch of stars, but one of them was much higher than all of the others. He even had a name befitting his Zeus-like qualities. He was called The Mogul, because Springsteen had already taken "The Boss." He was the big-time bidder, the one with the most money and power … and he used all of that to attempt to bring the show crashing down.

Honestly, a lot of the facts we have been telling you about all came about after The Mogul, real name Dave Hester (sorry, The Mogul is not his legal name, although how wonderful would that have been?), sued Discovery Channel after being fired from the show. Perhaps while screaming, "If I can't have it, no one can!" he then attempted to destroy the show, suing it for allegedly violating the Communications Act of 1934, a law that made it illegal to rig game shows and other televised competitions.

Look, all we're saying is when one of your biggest stars is like, "It's fake," well … we're probably gonna side with him. Of course, there's a reason we're not the court system. Read on, dear Grungers, read on.

A&E tried to avoid the suit by … claiming it's too brainless to be a game show

You know the best part about the law? All the technicalities! See, despite Hester suing the show for being faker than our smile when Grandma got us underwear for Christmas, the show managed to avoid any real repercussions. See, part of Mogul's lawsuit was based on how Storage Wars is basically a game show, not a reality anything. However, there are a lot of rules for how game shows work, including that they need luck and/or skill. This immediately disqualified Storage Wars, which isn't a joke or anything — that's A&E's actual defense. They claimed that, because their show included no skill, intellect, or chance (despite "open a locker and hope the Holy Grail's in there" being the very definition of chance), the Communications Act doesn't apply to them.

Amazingly, the argument worked! A judge ruled that the lawsuit didn't have merit, and that the show was "expressive free speech" and can't be brought down because of it (A&E and Mogul later settled). So yes, A&E got away with faking the show, while admitting that they fake the show. Also, they outright insulted every single one of their "stars" by basically calling what they do brainless, but it's hard to feel bad for them. They got famous by making bids on fake lockers filled with their planted stuff, for crying out loud.

Some of the stuff planted belongs to the stars of the show

Now, we already talked about how sometimes the producers make up units whole cloth, and how other times, they sprinkle pre-bought merch through the units. Sometimes, though, the producers do something much lower than that. Sometimes, the producers make the cast pay for their own stuff!

Okay, not really. But kind of. See, what happens is, if the producers need good items fast, instead of sending interns to dig through antique shops to find the proper items that'll look great on camera, the producers just turn to the stars. Yes, there are actual invoices and receipts proving that the producers pay the stars to put their previously owned property into the storage units that they just bought. After that, the stars still continue on with the rest of the show, taking the items to get evaluated, despite already owning and having paid for those items long ago. That's like a reality show about people finding their missing socks.

Those who assess the lockers' value likely aren't professionals

After the bidding, the opening, and the finding of (planted) items, it's time to sell those items. While you'd think a crossover between Storage Wars and Pawn Stars would be the coolest thing, and make the most sense, that is not what they do. Instead, the show brings in some assessors who look the items over and tell the stars — and us — how much the item is worth (and also coo over it a bit, to make it seem much cooler than literally anything could ever be).

Now, the problem is … hold on, we need to once again cover our butts with the beautiful power of supposedly. Now, the problem is — supposedly — a lot of these assessors are about as qualified as you are, provided you are not a qualified assessor. The show apparently hires just random people to come on and say whatever they want about an item, instead of saying that what the stars found was garbage (which is the case most of the time).

A character got plastic surgery because the network wanted her to be prettier

(Note: we're not saying it was Brandi, but we have no idea who it is, so … look at Brandi!)

Simply faking lockers and artifacts wasn't enough for Storage Wars producers. At least once, the desire to play God became so strong, the producers had to reach out, with their cold dead hands, and manipulate the real lives of their stars. Such is the alleged case of one unnamed female "contestant" (more on that in a bit), who was a bit too real for the show's producers to handle. And by "real," we mean she looked like someone you'd see on the street, not necessarily TV. But, since this is TV, that simply would not do!

In short, the show apparently thought one of its stars wasn't pretty enough, so the producers paid her to get plastic surgery, according to their whims, because what screams maniacal evil demon more than forcing a woman to change how she looks, to instead look like how the demon wants?

Of course, there's no proof this actually happened. The only reason we know about it is because …